The Katonian Press: Microsoft Outlines Plans To Ruin Halo

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Microsoft Outlines Plans To Ruin Halo With Unveiling of Halo Lesions Anime Project

“We’re really excited about the potential for ruining the Halo franchise with an anime series,” says creative director Frank O’Connor.

REDMOND, Wash. – The Halo video game series is considered Microsoft’s “killer app” for the Xbox and Xbox 360 consoles with the original trilogy of games selling nearly 25 million copies since 2001.  With such tremendous success behind them, it’s only natural for Microsoft to begin considering ruining the series.  It looks like plans for that are well under way, with the Redmond-based software giant announcing at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con their intention to release an anime series set in the Halo universe.  In collaboration with anime pioneer Shinji Aramaki (Appleseed) and acclaimed director Mamoru Oshii (Ghost in the Shell), the newly formed 343 Industries hopes to “ruin the franchise in new and profound ways.”

Bungie, the original developers of the game series, split with their parent company Microsoft in 2007, leaving the software giant in control of the Halo IP.  “We feel that [Microsoft] is completely qualified to take the series from this point forward and run it into the ground,” says Bungie president Harold Ryan.  Bungie’s confidence is bolstered by history: Microsoft has proven time and time again its ability to take good ideas and ruin them in unimaginable ways, from the potential iPod-killing Zune released in the world’s most unattractive color–brown–to an operating system release that many consumers would rather downgrade or avoid altogether.  They’ve even managed to sprinkle some important failures into their successful console division, notably the awkward “wrap-around” headset and mammoth-sized controller of the original Xbox.  The Xbox 360 failure rate, however, is perhaps their most stunning accomplishment yet.  “Ah, the ‘Red Ring of Death’,” beams Robbie Bach, head of Entertainment and Devices at Microsoft.  “We really set the bar with that one!”

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The Katonian Press: Flag Taken, Flag Dropped

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Aggravated Red Team Has Flag Repeatedly Taken, Dropped

Valhalla, The Ark – Nestled in an idyllic valley on a quiet bay, two forerunner structures sit amongst the majestic pines, rolling hills, and sparkling waterfalls.  The occasional call of a native gull and the sound of the salty breeze blowing in from the ocean are all that usually break the peacefully tranquility of this place.  That is, until recently, when Blue Team stole Red Team’s flag, and caused a ruckus not heard hear in millennia.

“I was around back, doing some work on the ‘Hog, trying to see if I could get the damn tow winch working, when I heard the commotion,” said a Red Spartan.  “I haven’t a clue where the other guys were, maybe checking out that downed Pelican, or frolicking in the stream for all I know.  I looked up just in time to see Blue grabbing the flag we planted in our base.  Probably wouldn’t have even noticed if it hadn’t been for that disembodied voice saying ‘Flag taken’.”

The Blue Team doesn’t deny the incident.

“Yea, I stole their flag,” said the pilfering Blue Spartan.  “I was tooling around in a Mongoose, admiring the local geology, when I saw it just sitting there with not a Red in sight.  It was too great of an opportunity to pass up, so I just rode ride up and helped myself.”

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