The Katonian Press: Gamer Wonders If He’ll Ever Get In A Match
October 5, 2009 16 Comments
The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.
Gamer Wonders If He’ll Ever Get In A Match
Cincinnati, Ohio – Brady Anderson settled in for an evening of online gaming Friday, hoping to “get in a few good games” before hitting the hay. Craving the visceral satisfaction of taking on other human opponents, Brady popped in his recent diversion of choice, Red Faction: Guerrilla, and grabbed a controller. He cracked open a delicious Mountain Dew: Live Wire and readied himself.
“Let’s do this,” he said to no-one in particular. His cat sauntered over and rubbed against his owner’s legs.
Navigating the menus, he prepared to enter his favorite gametype. “How about a little Capture the Flag, bitches?” he queried of, again, no-one in the room. His cat seemed to agree with him, though.
His hopes were soon dashed.
Brady, an avid Quake and Unreal Tournament player of days past, reveled in the strategic back-and-forthery of the flag capturing genre. He had enjoyed numerous excursions in previous weeks into Red Faction’s take on the gaming classic. “I like prox mines,” he has been quoted as saying. But all he could muster on this night was, “What the crud?” His usual fare had disappeared, and he quickly scanned the short list of match types in the “hopper” hoping to find its replacement. Eventually, he settled on one that offered up a random variety of different team-oriented game types.
Parma, OH – Linda Fuller expressed her concern recently at the prevalence of violent video games on the market and the notable absence of those centered around Lepidoptery. Linda made her feelings known on a visit to her adult son’s home after spotting several jewel cases strewn about his coffee table. “They have all these games about killing people,” she noted, in her chiding, mother’s tone. “Why can’t someone make a game…” she paused, considering her ideal gaming experience, and continued: “Why can’t someone make a game about hatching butterflies?”
Twinsburg, Ohio – Friday afternoon, Twinsburg resident and video gaming enthusiast Tony Richmond stopped by his local Best Buy and picked up a copy of the latest comic-book-inspired title, Batman: Arkham Asylum. Friends say he had “heard it was really good” and “wanted to check it out this weekend.” Co-workers didn’t notice anything unusual about his behavior, he just seemed to be “glad it was Friday.”
Akron, Ohio – Frustrated by his inability yet again to travel to Seattle to attend one of gaming’s biggest and best conventions, the Penny Arcade Expo (PAX), area man Stanley Hewitt decided to host his own. Held last weekend in his sprawling 1,200 sq. ft. ranch-style home, Hewitt dubbed it “PAX Midwest”, and described it to recipients of his evite as “All the fun and excitement of PAX, but without the annoying distraction of booth bimbos and flashy exhibits!”
Dunfermline, Fife, Scotland – For the life of him, Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson cannot wrap his brain around the fact that no one has developed a Flute Hero video game. “It just doesn’t make any bloody sense,” says Anderson, 62, from atop the flute-shaped tower of his Scottish castle. “They’ve got all these games these days that let kids live out their Rock and Roll fantasies, but they’re not getting the true experience without simulating the most important part!”
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