The Katonian Press: Valve Announces Thanksgiving DLC Just in Time for the Holidays
November 23, 2009 15 Comments
The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.
Valve Announces Thanksgiving DLC Just in Time for the Holidays
Bellevue, WA – Just a week after the release of their zombie-survival sequel, Left 4 Dead 2, Valve Software has announced the first in what no doubt will be a series of themed Downloadable Content (DLC) packs for the game. The Thanksgiving Pack bridges the original title and its sequel by having all eight survivors meet to celebrate the holiday and give thanks that they survived the zombie apocalypse. The campaign, entitled “Pass The Stuffing”, starts the players among the zombie-infested floats of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and follows them as they fight through hordes of the infected, hoping to make it to the safe house in time for supper. Press release follows:
Bill, Louis, Francis, Zoey, Coach, Ellis, Nick, and Rochelle have waded through wave after wave of zombie hordes, fighting for their very survival in a world where a massive outbreak has doomed most of the population. Having been rescued close to a dozen times, the plucky band of survivors finally get a well-deserved respite, just in time for Thanksgiving! They decided to get together and celebrate their good fortune, but wait, whose turn was it to buy the turkey? The survivors are dropped right in the middle of a zombie-run Macy’s Parade and once again have to fight for lives–watch out for the giant Zombie Snoopy float!–in the hopes of making their way to a grocery store that’s still open, not overrun by zombies, and stocked with enough turkey, stuffing mix, and cranberry sauce to satisfy Coach! And then, when it seems like they’ve finally made it to the safe house to enjoy their meal, they have to work out how they are going to fit everyone around the table (no one wants to sit next to the Boomer) and who gets stuck at the kiddie table with The Witch.
Gamer Angela Boseman had just returned home from her local big box retailer with a copy of 8monkey Lab’s Darkest of Days with the hopes of enjoying a little first-person shooter fun. Normally she would check the reviews or play the demo, but this time she just picked up the title on a whim. She had gotten a message from a random stranger on Xbox Live telling her to check it out since it was “the closest thing to ‘Quantum Leap: The Video Game’ she’d ever get to play”. Her purchasing decision was clouded by a need for a good FPS fix and an amorous desire dating back to her teen years for Scott Bakula.
New Haven – In an attempt to spark interest in the desolate, barren world of Pandora, the local Tourism Bureau has enlisted pop diva Madonna as the spokeswoman for a new series of advertisements. The campaign, which goes by the tagline: “The Borderlands: Come For The Vault, Stay For The Sniper Rifles That Shoot Acid”, was overseen by the mayor of New Haven, Helena Pierce, and features a reimagining of the classic Madonna hit “Borderline”.
Woodland Hills, CA – Video game developer Neversoft, heir to the Guitar Hero franchise, recently invited journalists to learn about the latest technology being used to develop the popular music game series. Journos were given a sneak peak at just what goes into pumping out title after successful title. Parts of the tour were focused on the technical aspect of bringing a game to light, such as the User Interface Lab where their lead GUI developer, a colorblind intern whose impressive credentials include two semesters of Criminal Justice at the local junior college, appeared to be testing his designs with an Atari Pong paddle. Other portions were devoted to the design stages, such as the never-before-revealed selection process that determines what appears and doesn’t appear in a Guitar Hero title. One couldn’t help but be impressed watching that room full of chimps alternate between tossing poo and CDs across their pen toward a basket marked “Next Guitar Hero Game”.
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