February 24, 2009
by bs angel
HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.
You are in the middle of a particularly intense game of Team Slayer on Construct. Finding yourself on the wrong end of the sniper rifle, you spend your forced ten second break taking a few deep breaths and silently reciting a quick self-affirmation. You respawn under gold, grab the nearest battle rifle, and head up the lift. Patiently waiting for you at the top are two members of the opposing team but thanks to a few well-placed grenades and a handful of spot-on br bursts, you successfully take them both down. Before your shields can fully recover, one of their teammates comes charging around the corner and finishes you off with some uncontrolled stray assault rifle bullets. Unable to do anything but watch the horror unfolding in front of your eyes, you realize you just had the misfortune of crossing paths with The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger.
The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger is not the person who deftly out br’ed you in a fair and square fight to the death admist the tight corridors of boxes on Foundry. That person is known as the I Just Fragged You And Now I’m Gonna Bag You Guy. The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger is also not the person who expertly flailed their long barrel within a ridiculously close range and took you out with just a single sniper round. That person has earned their nickname of the First Comes The No Scope Then Comes The Nut Poke Guy. The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger is the person that takes you out right after you singlehandedly kill multiple members of his team who then decides to assert his overinflated sense of superiority by dipping his testicles into your deceased and not so welcoming mouth.
Despite the fact that you just killed several of his buddies with nothing more than what you spawned with, despite the fact that you had little to no shields when he happened to come across your clinging to life body, and despite the fact that he was graced with the luckiest and timeliness spawn known to all of Spartankind, this particularly irksome player seems to think his basic janitorial skills are enough to justify repeatedly shoving his nads into someone’s oral cavity. You will finish the game with a glowingly positive kill to death ratio while he will have two kills and 20 deaths. You will beat him in every single one v. one encounter while he complains about lag, host, and his inability to secure a power weapon. Yet you will still be forced to watch his not all the way dropped balls bounce off your face simply because you were weak from a previous battle. Hey Mr. Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger, why don’t you fucking earn your kills before teabagging your opponents? Oh wait, probably because you can’t, you inept I-always-have-to-go-fourth-because-the-only-thing-I-am-capable-of-doing-is-cleaning-up douchebag.
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