Watching Shigeru Miyamoto demo The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword was positively painful. There were more fruitless moves and fumbled motions than the last time I asked my ex-boyfriend to go down on me. While they claimed the numerous failures were due to interference, it looked suspiciously like what happens every single time somebody attempts to play the Wii. You end up battling the unresponsive controller instead of actually playing the game. I guess I’ll learn from their blunder-full presentation and check to make sure my thousands of wireless devices are turned off next time.

Instead of presenting video games, Ubisoft chose to unveil gigantic piles of steaming shit this year. One of their more groundbreaking titles was Battle Tag, a “game” that uses the console to tally scores for those people that don’t know how to count. Oddly reminiscent of laser tag, it’s almost like Ubisoft didn’t know that this has already been around for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS. Not to get you prematurely excited, but rumors are next year they’ll be showcasing something they’re tentatively calling “the wheel.”

Microsoft not only revealed their latest and greatest version of the Xbox 360, but they also gave one away to each and every person who was physically in attendance. Giving away expensive, free consoles to a crowd full of journalists who already get all their gaming stuff for free? I can’t decide if Don Mattrick is more like Oprah (“One for you, and you, and you, and you!”) or George W. Bush. Either way I’m calling bullshit, unless they send me one of those sleek, black beauties course. Then I’m completely fine with it.

Kinect for Xbox 360, a controller-free gaming and entertainment experience that was first introduced at E3 2009, was shown in detail during Microsoft’s keynote. Launching on November 4th with 15 different titles, detail after detail was announced. Except for the price that is. Perhaps they aren’t aware that the release date is under five months away. Maybe they’re letting Gamestop leak the price for them. Either way, say something official already. It’s the question on everybody’s mind. Well, if you disregard the one about why that dude with long hair is always wearing sunglasses that is.

I get the fact that a booth babe’s primary purpose is to be physically attractive. I also get the fact that these promotional models’ interactions are supposed to focus more on quantity instead of quality. But seriously, would it kill some of these girls to actually acknowledge the people playing their games and perhaps not have the most humongous stick to ever exist inserted directly up their ass? We don’t want people chatting our ears off when we’re playing a demo but there must be a happy medium in between a motormouth and an eye contact-avoiding bitch. Oh well, it could be worse I suppose. There could be no bewbs.

When the fine folks over at Ubisoft aren’t busy playing laser tag, they are probably practicing their revolutionary deep breathing techniques. That practice is sure to make them pros at Innergy, their latest wellness game offering. The goal is to relax by breathing in and out, but little do they know that you can get the same exact stress-relieving benefits from taking a nap. And guess what? Naps don’t cost sixty fucking dollars! Not only is the concept a complete waste of a video game, but it’s almost like it’s been done before. OH WAIT….

*There were some keynotes that I missed so if you have a gripe that isn’t listed, leave it in a comment!

Many first-person shooter fanatics spent several days playing the Halo: Reach beta. Some used it as an opportunity to playtest the game and provide invaluable feedback based upon their numerous experiences. Others invested as many hours as they could afford in the hope that it would eventually give them a leg up on the competition when the game officially releases. I did neither of those things though and instead devoted all of my spare time to the pursuit of academic research. I observed countless gamers, the armor abilities they repeatedly selected, and carefully linked together the common characteristics shared between those that favored the same loadout. I’m dedicated, I know, and lucky for you I’m also nice because I have decided to share my findings. Enjoy the insight into each of these players, and don’t blame me if you recognize yourself. I’m just the messenger you know.

Active Camouflage* is a type of light-bending technology that renders the player almost completely invisible. Users of this concealing effect prefer catching their opponents off guard and often stand still for long periods of time. They are happiest wielding a shotgun, gravity hammer, or energy sword as weapons that require more than a single pull of the trigger are beyond their general skill level. They are known for their ability to pitch a tent, and I’m not talking about the bulging one in your pants either. As they are more stationary than most, they also tend to fall asleep frequently mid-game. Chances are they have either been ridiculed for snoring over the mic or have starred in a YouTube video where they fell asleep and their friends abused their unattended body in numerous, imaginative ways. Most active camo users are pussies, but they’re pussies who are often found covertly crouching on your face because unfortunately they almost always get the better of you.

Armor Lock* is an ability that provides the player with a small shield that temporarily grants them invulnerability from any and all damage. Users of the EMP-generating effect are often adrenaline junkies who get enjoyment out of narrowly escaping death, or they are individuals who derive large amounts of pleasure from making total and complete fools out of their not so bright opponents. If you’re foolish enough to attempt to pummel them with a gravity hammer, they’ll laugh hysterically as they throw their fist to the ground and then quickly reverse the action to instead connect it directly to your surprised, and now deceased, face. Tank beats all? Not to these fearless individuals. In bed when they get dangerously close to the edge they think of Bea Arthur. In Halo they activate Armor Lock. In both instances, they’re hard as a rock and it’s typically far from game over.

The Jet Pack* allows the player to maneuver mid-air through the manipulation of a user-operated jet engine mounted on their back. Fans of this particular piece of propulsion equipment are often known as those fucking annoying jumpers in other land movement only games. In extreme cases they are even compared to Paris Hilton when she’s on top because of their incessant tendency to repeatedly bounce up and down. Expelling gas is nothing new to this group of individuals. They frequently release large amounts of it, both in game and out. They get a secret thrill out of killing individuals when they’re soaring through the sky, more than likely because they can’t do it when their feet are on the ground.

Sprint* is an ability that allows fast attacks and quick escapes through the use of an higher than average player speed. Individuals that utilize this motion acceleration are often lacking in any sort of courage or bravery. Taking the slightest bit of damage, whether it be from close range or not, will cause them to hightail it as far as a few seconds of spirited running can get them. When the going gets tough, these not so tough get going. They prefer to avoid conflict, and will often do so at any cost. They might as well be an Elite every game because the only thing they’re going to do is evade. They’ll probably do so while yelling complete and utter gibberish as well.

*People who use this ability can’t get a kill any other way. Most of the time they can’t get a kill with it either.

The Halo: Reach beta is a mere six days away. Other websites successfully prepped the fairweather fans by recapping the obvious facts such as Elites are going to be larger than Spartans and a new weapon called the M392 Designated Marksman Rifle will be introduced. For the hardcore crowd however, those summaries are positively snore-worthy. Thankfully I’ve got your MJOLNIR Armor-sporting back covered so turn on your printer, make sure the ink tanks are full, and get ready to snag your own copy of The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta. Because you know what? It’s super awesome! And you will be too once you finish checking off this list.

Purchase and learn how to properly use a catheter so you can eliminate more than just those pesky bathroom breaks. Should you not feel comfortable inserting tubes directly into your penis or vagina, peeing into empty milk jugs works as well.



Make flash cards to assist in studying and memorizing the new button layout. Print out a poster-size version to hang to the side of your television just in case.


Post-date daily emails to friends and loved ones so they don’t come to check on you out of worry. Think of it this way, it will save you the trouble of having to get up and answer the door when they come a-knocking. As if you would during the beta anyways.



Set all social media statuses to busy.


Hire a reliable home nurse to insert and maintain long-term IV nourishment. Eating is not only time consuming but with the discontinuation of push to talk, nobody wants to be forced to listen to your annoying lip smacking. Mute it before you chew it! Or just don’t chew.


Buy a spare Xbox 360 and an additional copy of Halo: ODST. As the common saying goes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And that will more than likely happen in the form of a flashing red ring when you attempt to power up your 360 on May 3rd.



Pay all your bills through the entire month of May. Feel free to skip the phone one though as you won’t be answering it for the duration of the beta.


Forge a note from your doctor so when you call in sick for the 7th day in a row, you will be fully prepared for your boss’s inevitable response. (Did you happen to see what I did there by chance? Forge a note? Get it? Damn, those Halo jokes are fucking hilarious!)



Take a shower the evening before the beta. Invest in as many cans of body spray and candles you can afford for the days after that.



Lastly, enjoy the beta. I know I certainly will!

Dearest Carcassonne,

The other day I got dizzy from bending over and practicing my Goatse impersonation in the bathroom mirror so I turned on my Xbox 360, loaded up the Arcade, and started scanning the titles, hoping that something would catch my eye. I stumbled upon you, which I’m forced to call The Game that I Have No Clue How to Pronounce since your title is so fucking weird, and decided to give you a spin. I know I’m late to the party and to be honest, I don’t have a clue as to how I even acquired you. I just know I didn’t purchase you because I certainly wouldn’t pay good money for a fucking boring ass board game on a console. They’re called board games for a reason. Because they make you BORED.

Anyways, I went through the tutorial, which was about as confusing as I am when I have raging pms, and then played some single player. I was pleasantly surprised to find the experience somewhat enjoyable. Well, more enjoyable that stretching my own anus that is. {EDIT: Under further consideration, it’s not more enjoyable than stretching my own anus. Really, have you tried it? It’s a shitload of fun!} After a few games however, the excessively drawn out scoring sequence at the end started to irritate me. It doesn’t take a brainiac to understand the process behind the final awarding of points, and sitting through the snore-worthy tally each and every time makes me want to punch my own face. You do realize I will never get that time back, right? That’s almost two entire minutes per game that I could be doing something else. Like finding three wrinkly old men, buying some acidic fruit, and having a good ol’ fashioned citrus celebration where everybody’s invited to come!

If you ever patch this game (fix the online lag while you’re at it because with graphics this simple, there’s no excuse for a pause with every damn move), please make the point calculation skippable. I’m well aware of the fact that you know the final score immediately because when I won my first ranked game, the achievement for winning an online match popped up before the score even started getting totaled. Despite the annoying shortcomings though, I will continue to make penis-shaped cities. But every time you take two minutes of my life at the conclusion of each game, I get one step closer to going back upstairs to the bathroom. A tub girl impression is next on my list and believe me, nobody wants to see that.

PS: And by nobody, I mean everybody. Sluuurp!

Should you happen to cross paths with o DARKBLADE o while traversing the vast world of Xbox Live, you would more than likely find him waging war against the Covenant with a group of teenagers nearly half his age. Ask him why and he’d tell you he’s schooling them, although it wouldn’t be in the way you think.

Christian high school teacher by day and hardcore gamer by night, 37-year-old Martin VanWoudenberg has found a way to successfully integrate a childhood hobby into his grown up responsibilities. He currently teaches English, History, and Law, and has found a number of video games that serve as excellent educational aids to his lessons.

Sometimes the video game influence in his classroom is simple, such as when he uses slides of relevant game characters that fit the current theme. He finds himself calling upon Castle Crashers frequently during the medieval unit and scenes from the Total War series when they’re studying Napoleon.

Current titles are not the only games being utilized in his classroom though. In History for World War I for instance, Mr. V, as he’s known amongst his students, was once able to dig up an old machine and a compatible copy of Red Baron, an immensely successful flying simulation set on the Western Front of the same time period. There was one student in particular who had a knack for it so he was made the Baron. The other students then had to “go to war.” It made for lively, in-depth discussion afterwards, serving as a catalyst for conversation about the Red Baron, his life, and a plethora of topics relevant to that specific military conflict.

The subsequent World War II unit also provided a prime video game opportunity, this time for Call of Duty, a historic first-person shooter.

I assigned students to a nationality of German or Allied… since we don’t pick where we’re born. They did research on their side’s motivations, did propaganda posters, and found horror stories about what the other side did during the war. Then, with very basic training, they were dropped into a COD 2 match against each other, rotating out when killed and a new student took their place. Some were very good at this. Many were terrible, but that’s like real war. Depending on how often they “died”, and how the match went, students were assigned an outcome (dead, wounded, captured, etc). From here, they wrote war journals on their experience, both on before the action, and afterwards. How did they feel? How “fair” was it? There were high emotions in the room, including real shock, surprise, anger, etc. By the end, many really wanted to kill the enemy, despite being very upset at being assigned the Nazi side for example. It was an interesting study in how quickly we identify with comrades in arms and demonize the enemy.

Students are typically not surprised when a video game gets introduced in one of Mr. V’s lessons. After all, Halo and BioShock 2 posters adorn the walls while Hitman, Army of Two, and Gears of War action figures keep each other company on the shelves. There’s even a pair of Modern Warfare 2 night vision goggles in the classroom. The gaming atmosphere fosters the video game discussion during the downtimes, which is evident by the regular meet-ups that occur during lunch hour.

I choose to not spend lunch times in the staff room most of the time, and my classroom is a regular meeting place for students that want to talk and debate gaming. There are students that are sometimes harder to connect with, or that might struggle in class at times. But, when we have a common love and common language, it makes everything else a lot easier too. Rapport has certainly been increased significantly, no question. And, it’s great talking with past students that I no longer teach. They still have a reason to pop in or chat with me in the halls about what I think about a certain game, or how far I got in another one. Having a way to keep those relationships is very important to me.

I taught in an inner-city school for a while, with kids in some tough situations. I had this one kid that just never talked to anyone, and who was really hard to reach. I noticed one day that he had a Mario sketch on one of his books, so I broached a conversation about Mario Galaxy vs the classic Mario. Then we debated Xbox vs Wii for the next few weeks. He left me a note one day with a Mario drawing and the words, “Viva la Revolution” (a nod to the Wii’s early name). Every time after that, when we passed in the hall or he came past the classroom, he’d pop in with a little fist pump and cry for the revolution. I’d come up with a retort, and off he’d go with a smile. It was a little thing, but he opened up with others as well, and I saw him become a far less withdrawn kid. It was evidence of the great power and common bond that you can have as gamers, no matter what the age.

While the male students respond quite well to the video game references, Martin has noticed an absence of the same reaction from his female students. The girls occasionally know who Mario and Princess Peach are, but none of them, to his knowledge, fill their evenings and weekends with any of the more hardcore shooters.

Parent reactions to the unconventional teaching techniques employed in his classroom often borderline on indifferent. Some students have said their parents roll their eyes when they tell them Mr. V plays video games, but most of the time they simply don’t seem to get it. There’s a general lack of interest in the subject and a lack of interest in learning about it. He continues to tread carefully and recognizes no real strong positive or negative parent reactions is a mixed blessing. Along with no issues comes no triumphs either.

Overall, Martin finds his use of video games as effective educational tools to be beneficial on numerous fronts.

There’s an experiential component that you can’t get with other medium. I’ve had students watch war movies and documentaries and be moved by them, but they never experienced the fear and panic of war until they faced far better opponents and heard the shouts of fellow students behind them, telling them to try harder. You need to debrief that sort of thing, but it’s very powerful. It puts them in the experience, and they invest in it a lot more than they might otherwise.

And, as a very simple and practical point, if students are watching the screen for game references and characters, they are likely paying attention to what I’m saying as well. I find classroom management issues are vastly reduced and attention far better.

He plays against his students on Live every once in a while, usually on Gears of War or Halo, but they have to earn that right. When they do, he reports that he typically performs decently, not devastating them but certainly holding his own. If they had to grade his performance after the fact, I’m guessing they would say he passed. And that goes for his unorthodox method of teaching too.

*While you can’t say for certain if you’d ace his class, you can certainly attempt to pass his recently created Hardcore Gamer’s IQ Test. Give it a whirl, if you dare!