Top Six Things I Hate About the E3 Expo 2010 Thus Far

E3I have never had the pleasure of attending the Electronic Entertainment Expo (an annual computer and video game trade show that doles out more nerdgasms than Olivia Munn and Brian Jarrard combined), but that certainly hasn’t stopped me from soaking in an inordinate amount of coverage, both from online and television sources alike. While I may not have caught every individual keynote, I’ve certainly watched enough to get thoroughly irritated by several different things. So without further ado, here are the top six things I hate about this year’s E3 thus far. I’d list more but damn if I’m not lazy.

Demos that performed worse than England's goalie

Watching Shigeru Miyamoto demo The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword was positively painful. There were more fruitless moves and fumbled motions than the last time I asked my ex-boyfriend to go down on me. While they claimed the numerous failures were due to interference, it looked suspiciously like what happens every single time somebody attempts to play the Wii. You end up battling the unresponsive controller instead of actually playing the game. I guess I’ll learn from their blunder-full presentation and check to make sure my thousands of wireless devices are turned off next time.

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What Your Halo: Reach Armor Ability Says About You

Halo Reach Screenshot

Many first-person shooter fanatics spent several days playing the Halo: Reach beta. Some used it as an opportunity to playtest the game and provide invaluable feedback based upon their numerous experiences. Others invested as many hours as they could afford in the hope that it would eventually give them a leg up on the competition when the game officially releases. I did neither of those things though and instead devoted all of my spare time to the pursuit of academic research. I observed countless gamers, the armor abilities they repeatedly selected, and carefully linked together the common characteristics shared between those that favored the same loadout. I’m dedicated, I know, and lucky for you I’m also nice because I have decided to share my findings. Enjoy the insight into each of these players, and don’t blame me if you recognize yourself. I’m just the messenger you know.

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The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta

Halo 3  Reach Screenshot

The Halo: Reach beta is a mere six days away. Other websites successfully prepped the fairweather fans by recapping the obvious facts such as Elites are going to be larger than Spartans and a new weapon called the M392 Designated Marksman Rifle will be introduced. For the hardcore crowd however, those summaries are positively snore-worthy. Thankfully I’ve got your MJOLNIR Armor-sporting back covered so turn on your printer, make sure the ink tanks are full, and get ready to snag your own copy of The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta. Because you know what? It’s super awesome! And you will be too once you finish checking off this list.

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Press Absolutely No Button to Skip


Dearest Carcassonne,

The other day I got dizzy from bending over and practicing my Goatse impersonation in the bathroom mirror so I turned on my Xbox 360, loaded up the Arcade, and started scanning the titles, hoping that something would catch my eye. I stumbled upon you, which I’m forced to call The Game that I Have No Clue How to Pronounce since your title is so fucking weird, and decided to give you a spin. I know I’m late to the party and to be honest, I don’t have a clue as to how I even acquired you. I just know I didn’t purchase you because I certainly wouldn’t pay good money for a fucking boring ass board game on a console. They’re called board games for a reason. Because they make you BORED.

Anyways, I went through the tutorial, which was about as confusing as I am when I have raging pms, and then played some single player. I was pleasantly surprised to find the experience somewhat enjoyable. Well, more enjoyable that stretching my own anus that is. {EDIT: Under further consideration, it’s not more enjoyable than stretching my own anus. Really, have you tried it? It’s a shitload of fun!} After a few games however, the excessively drawn out scoring sequence at the end started to irritate me. It doesn’t take a brainiac to understand the process behind the final awarding of points, and sitting through the snore-worthy tally each and every time makes me want to punch my own face. You do realize I will never get that time back, right? That’s almost two entire minutes per game that I could be doing something else. Like finding three wrinkly old men, buying some acidic fruit, and having a good ol’ fashioned citrus celebration where everybody’s invited to come!

If you ever patch this game (fix the online lag while you’re at it because with graphics this simple, there’s no excuse for a pause with every damn move), please make the point calculation skippable. I’m well aware of the fact that you know the final score immediately because when I won my first ranked game, the achievement for winning an online match popped up before the score even started getting totaled. Despite the annoying shortcomings though, I will continue to make penis-shaped cities. But every time you take two minutes of my life at the conclusion of each game, I get one step closer to going back upstairs to the bathroom. A tub girl impression is next on my list and believe me, nobody wants to see that.

PS: And by nobody, I mean everybody. Sluuurp!

Video Games as Effective Educational Tools: A Teacher’s Story

Video Games as Teaching Tools

Should you happen to cross paths with o DARKBLADE o while traversing the vast world of Xbox Live, you would more than likely find him waging war against the Covenant with a group of teenagers nearly half his age. Ask him why and he’d tell you he’s schooling them, although it wouldn’t be in the way you think.

Christian high school teacher by day and hardcore gamer by night, 37-year-old Martin VanWoudenberg has found a way to successfully integrate a childhood hobby into his grown up responsibilities. He currently teaches English, History, and Law, and has found a number of video games that serve as excellent educational aids to his lessons.

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Top Ten Peggle Pick-Up Lines

Peggle, a pachinko-esque puzzle game that involves clearing colored pegs off of carefully designed boards with a limited supply of balls, is strangely reminiscent of sex. Success on each level is marked with the playing of Ode To Joy, extravagant fireworks, a numerical bonus, and an inescapable mini-orgasm. With that in mind, it only makes sense that Peggle-specific pick-up lines could one day come in handy so I decided to draft a list of ten unique lines that could possibly help you score a real life climax instead of just one of the video game variety. Commit a few to memory and give them a try at your next LAN. I’m guessing they’ll be met with either an introduction to someone’s bedroom or a slap to the face. One or the other is going to happen though. I guarantee it!

Top Ten Peggle Pick-Up Lines

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New Year’s Resolutions for Gamers

New Year's Resolutions for Gamers

As I do every year, I recently set aside a few hours to compose my customary New Year’s resolutions list. It took me but a few seconds to write GET MORE PENIS so after sitting with my thumb up my ass for a while (don’t knock it ’til you try it), I realized I had enough time to draft some New Year’s resolutions for you, the average gamer, as well. Yes I know, I’m so incredibly kind, which is why I didn’t bother writing that one down. So off we go to yours!

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