Press Absolutely No Button to Skip

Dearest Carcassonne,

The other day I got dizzy from bending over and practicing my Goatse impersonation in the bathroom mirror so I turned on my Xbox 360, loaded up the Arcade, and started scanning the titles, hoping that something would catch my eye. I stumbled upon you, which I’m forced to call The Game that I Have No Clue How to Pronounce since your title is so fucking weird, and decided to give you a spin. I know I’m late to the party and to be honest, I don’t have a clue as to how I even acquired you. I just know I didn’t purchase you because I certainly wouldn’t pay good money for a fucking boring ass board game on a console. They’re called board games for a reason. Because they make you BORED.

Anyways, I went through the tutorial, which was about as confusing as I am when I have raging pms, and then played some single player. I was pleasantly surprised to find the experience somewhat enjoyable. Well, more enjoyable that stretching my own anus that is. {EDIT: Under further consideration, it’s not more enjoyable than stretching my own anus. Really, have you tried it? It’s a shitload of fun!} After a few games however, the excessively drawn out scoring sequence at the end started to irritate me. It doesn’t take a brainiac to understand the process behind the final awarding of points, and sitting through the snore-worthy tally each and every time makes me want to punch my own face. You do realize I will never get that time back, right? That’s almost two entire minutes per game that I could be doing something else. Like finding three wrinkly old men, buying some acidic fruit, and having a good ol’ fashioned citrus celebration where everybody’s invited to come!

If you ever patch this game (fix the online lag while you’re at it because with graphics this simple, there’s no excuse for a pause with every damn move), please make the point calculation skippable. I’m well aware of the fact that you know the final score immediately because when I won my first ranked game, the achievement for winning an online match popped up before the score even started getting totaled. Despite the annoying shortcomings though, I will continue to make penis-shaped cities. But every time you take two minutes of my life at the conclusion of each game, I get one step closer to going back upstairs to the bathroom. A tub girl impression is next on my list and believe me, nobody wants to see that.

PS: And by nobody, I mean everybody. Sluuurp!