Top Six Things I Hate About the E3 Expo 2010 Thus Far

E3I have never had the pleasure of attending the Electronic Entertainment Expo (an annual computer and video game trade show that doles out more nerdgasms than Olivia Munn and Brian Jarrard combined), but that certainly hasn’t stopped me from soaking in an inordinate amount of coverage, both from online and television sources alike. While I may not have caught every individual keynote, I’ve certainly watched enough to get thoroughly irritated by several different things. So without further ado, here are the top six things I hate about this year’s E3 thus far. I’d list more but damn if I’m not lazy.

Demos that performed worse than England's goalie

Watching Shigeru Miyamoto demo The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword was positively painful. There were more fruitless moves and fumbled motions than the last time I asked my ex-boyfriend to go down on me. While they claimed the numerous failures were due to interference, it looked suspiciously like what happens every single time somebody attempts to play the Wii. You end up battling the unresponsive controller instead of actually playing the game. I guess I’ll learn from their blunder-full presentation and check to make sure my thousands of wireless devices are turned off next time.

If that's a video game, so is FarmVille

Instead of presenting video games, Ubisoft chose to unveil gigantic piles of steaming shit this year. One of their more groundbreaking titles was Battle Tag, a “game” that uses the console to tally scores for those people that don’t know how to count. Oddly reminiscent of laser tag, it’s almost like Ubisoft didn’t know that this has already been around for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS. Not to get you prematurely excited, but rumors are next year they’ll be showcasing something they’re tentatively calling “the wheel.”

Hey look, it's another Robin Hood for the rich!

Microsoft not only revealed their latest and greatest version of the Xbox 360, but they also gave one away to each and every person who was physically in attendance. Giving away expensive, free consoles to a crowd full of journalists who already get all their gaming stuff for free? I can’t decide if Don Mattrick is more like Oprah (“One for you, and you, and you, and you!”) or George W. Bush. Either way I’m calling bullshit, unless they send me one of those sleek, black beauties course. Then I’m completely fine with it.

I could have sworn we already mentioned that

Kinect for Xbox 360, a controller-free gaming and entertainment experience that was first introduced at E3 2009, was shown in detail during Microsoft’s keynote. Launching on November 4th with 15 different titles, detail after detail was announced. Except for the price that is. Perhaps they aren’t aware that the release date is under five months away. Maybe they’re letting Gamestop leak the price for them. Either way, say something official already. It’s the question on everybody’s mind. Well, if you disregard the one about why that dude with long hair is always wearing sunglasses that is.

Hint: Don't Touch Me

I get the fact that a booth babe’s primary purpose is to be physically attractive. I also get the fact that these promotional models’ interactions are supposed to focus more on quantity instead of quality. But seriously, would it kill some of these girls to actually acknowledge the people playing their games and perhaps not have the most humongous stick to ever exist inserted directly up their ass? We don’t want people chatting our ears off when we’re playing a demo but there must be a happy medium in between a motormouth and an eye contact-avoiding bitch. Oh well, it could be worse I suppose. There could be no bewbs.

You so 2000 and late

When the fine folks over at Ubisoft aren’t busy playing laser tag, they are probably practicing their revolutionary deep breathing techniques. That practice is sure to make them pros at Innergy, their latest wellness game offering. The goal is to relax by breathing in and out, but little do they know that you can get the same exact stress-relieving benefits from taking a nap. And guess what? Naps don’t cost sixty fucking dollars! Not only is the concept a complete waste of a video game, but it’s almost like it’s been done before. OH WAIT….

*There were some keynotes that I missed so if you have a gripe that isn’t listed, leave it in a comment!

48 Responses to Top Six Things I Hate About the E3 Expo 2010 Thus Far

  1. B1G TOBACC0 says:

    Not to mention the terrible stage acting during some of the kinect game “demos.” If that guy was actually playing star wars kinect, I’ll eat my xbox.

    • DT62 says:

      It looks like theres a dildo next to the asian guy introducing Zelda at 2:38.

      its blue and to his lower right when he is sitting down…

      • DT62 says:

        Oops I mean Mr. Miyamoto….

  2. Paustinj says:

    Couldn’t agree more with these, you hit the nail on the head. Great read

  3. Jim 028 says:

    Drink one of everything from your previous post and all that hate will melt away. ^_^

  4. PunkPirateAFO says:

    I never like the Ubisoft Conference. Granted they sometimes put out a good game or two but some of their heads have the thickest most annoying accents and I cant stand that “comedian” they got to do most of the showcase.

    O and I didnt know everyone in the audience got one of those consoles, now Im even more pissed off. I just had to get rid of most of my games and hope to exchange a busted xbox so I could get a refirbed one that worked, then POW if I would have saved $100 and waited a month I could have the best version.

    Fuck you M$ Fuck you!

  5. DeepCee says:

    Innergy…really ?

  6. Terry says:

    I agree with you, handing out free 360s to journalists is simply pandering to a crowd of elitists in the hopes that they won’t realize that the product you’ve handed them is the product which should have launched 4 years ago. Unless there’s one being mailed to me, in which case it’s a heartwarming gesture from a big company interested in doing right by the little guy.

    • bs angel says:

      LOL … your last sentence summed up my sentiments better than I ever could!

  7. DeepCee says:

    Whats with the guy presenting the Ubisoft conference? An insult comic would have been more flattering.

    • bs angel says:

      I actually like Joel McHale, but he didn’t do Ubisoft any favors with that performance. I think the key to hiring stars in events like this is using them effectively. In this particular case, when they’re related to the game somehow. As a host, he certainly wasn’t that. Now, if they would have gotten Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, then we’d be in business!!

      • DeepCee says:

        Yeah he really seemed to throw the presenters rhythm out.

      • Obi Wan Stevobi says:

        I’ll admit I’m a fan of The Soup if you do it first.

        • bs angel says:

          :peeks out of the closet:

  8. Crazy A 64 says:

    Who is that guy presenting all the Ubisoft stuff? Have they never heard of carisma?!

    Also I hope each and every one of those new 360’s red rings. FU Microsoft FU! Now excuse me I’m off to pre-order mine :(

    • kyleNR says:

      i agree except the 1 that went to rooster teeth i think they deserve 1

  9. lozg1985 says:

    as soon as they said the crowd were getting the new 360 for nothing, my reaction was “Mother fuckers!” i will be getting a new one as my arcade is two years old and still has my original 20 gig hdd on top so a memory stick and new console will be awesome and seeing as it’s in black it will actually go with my fucking telly and pc!

  10. StuntDouble2483 says:

    I think they should send an Xbox slim to everyone who ever sent theirs in for repair. You have our addresses, Microsoft! Make it happen! (PS…I know it will never happen…) Also, I’m not worried about Zelda. It’s still early in developement. And it’s Zelda. Zelda has never let me down before. No. I’m not worried. I’m not worried at all. *shivers*

  11. Obi Wan Stevobi says:

    My main problem with them the past two years is that ever since the Wii opened to huge sales, everything has been all about different kinds of motion controls. I don’t think they ever bothered to check if people are still playing the Wii. Everyone I know bought one because Wii sports is really fun to play when you’re drunk. Aside from that, it collects dust because hardware to make motion controllers work right costs way too much to actually be used in video games.

    The Wii’s novelty is what made it so successful. It was new and different, and everyone wanted to try it. Now that we all know just how crappy these devices perform, I think it’s safe to say most of us just want our joysticks back.

    • bs angel says:

      I would estimate that my Wii gets turned on perhaps twice a year. And one of those times is an accident.

      • Terry says:

        There’s medication that can help that.

  12. BUfels says:

    I don’t see the problem with the crowd getting free 360s. In fact, I quite liked the guy who gave them out. He was the only one who seemed genuine.

    • Grumpy Jedi says:

      I’m in agreement. Sure, some of the folks in the audience get all kinds of freebies, but not everyone. There had to be a few everyday schlubs there, such as someone that was at E3 for the first time. I’m sure it was those types of folks that we heard hooting and hollering when that announcement was made.

      I wholeheartedly think: “Good for them.” Sure, I’m jealous. Crying about it isn’t going to get me one of those gorgeous new 360s, though.

  13. Undercover Duck says:

    So much gimmicky crap…

    =(

  14. Goosechecka says:

    You forgot to mention the GameCrush girls showing off their… uh… talent at E3.

    • araknoros says:

      what the hell is that… i looked and tried not to feel offened by what i saw but Im still really confused and slightly offended.

      To clarify: To me it looks like someone went to google, typed in Girl Gamers and got the needed photos, then hired a bunch of phone sex opperators to do the voices (atleast it that what i appeared to me, then again, i didnt read much) and they are using cheap sex appeal to make millions of hopeful gamers who are ‘nerdy’ and will fork out money to ‘play with hot chicks’

      Do i have the right idea or did i misread what i saw?

      • Goosechecka says:

        You’ve pretty much nailed it. Guys log on, find girls they want to “play” games with, like checkers or battleship. To play these games, girls need a webcam and what happens after that is up to the playdate.

  15. Gil says:

    Wow… simply wow.

    Then again… I’d have to agree that it was a less than stellar E3.

  16. Mike says:

    i think this sums everything up for me when it comes to the xbox presentation

    http://cdn-www.cracked.com/phpimages/article/1/3/0/25130.gif?v=1

    • LOL, Cracked. How I love thee.

  17. KalamariKidd says:

    I didn’t even notice the 3DS the first time I watched that video, how did I miss it?

    • i was so going to write the same thing! XD

      and i know why the old 360’s are the same price as the new 360’s… THE OLD ONES ARE OVERPRICED!!!!

  18. Fiesta says:

    Not enough Halo. I demand more!
    Also, tons of shitty gimmicky crap and not enough ground breaking game announcements.

    • araknoros says:

      Like Bethesda’s other game they are working on called Brink. look it up. It may not be too reveloutionary but it has a new dynamic that will add to FPS’s (IMO)

      • bs angel says:

        I believe I saw a Brink demo at PAX last year. Definitely good stuff.

  19. Das Kalk says:

    i love how Nintendo pulled a steve Jobs. “this isn’t working…. it’s all YOUR fault!”

  20. cardo8 says:

    Holy shit! I thought ” probably practicing their revolutionary deep breathing techniques” was a joke! I’m speechless.

    • bs angel says:

      If only cardo, if only.

      • cardio? =P

        im here all night folks…

  21. Cayote says:

    After the guys beat the girls the laser tag guy says, “Congratulations, you beat models” I stopped there, I don’t think I can handle any of the other presentations. : P But I guess it is like a car wreck…..I’ll be back.

  22. hongoasdf says:

    Free sweet new Xbox for journalists, huh…

    Rather than be infuriated, I see this as an opportunity! And here I was wonderg what might be a suitable career change. Journalism satisfies my gaming needs for free!

    Then again, I’d have to turn into an asshole, so… fury it is!

    • PunkPirateAFO says:

      Have you not seen some of the “journalism” these days? So many stories with wrong facts, poor editing, and quotes taken out of context. If I didnt know better a lot of the time, Id swear I was reading tabloids.

      The only journalist anymore I have any respect for are the guys over at G4 because they dont ask the same carbon copy questions, aside from a few of the obvious that always have to be asked.

      I mean remember Pre-Beta Reach details right when the embargo lifted? There were reports of usable “Phatoms” and the like. I mean how hard is it to get someone who is a fan of the game to report on it?

  23. porge says:

    I like how he said “whip it out” in the Legend of Zelda one

  24. Shooty McBang says:

    I think if you look beyond the stupid gimmicks and the horrible presentation, Ubisoft had some solid material. Too bad the Ghost Recon demonstration was ruined with stupid remarks every 20 seconds by the host.

    I also like the idea behind ManiaPlanet, but whether or not it’s implemented and managed well is a completely different story. Project Dust also looked pretty interesting. Would have liked to see an actual in game presentation though…

  25. ILLUSTRATED RIC says:

    Wow. Nintendo that was your gulf oil spill and I want my 18 minutes back. Joel I would call you a sell out but I felt the back-handed comments. Yeah Microsoft now you fix it after I get 4 RRoD you want me to buy a new one again, WTF! Girls come to my bar and do promos. They give out shots, talk about the product and to the customers. Game industry, you need to talk to the bar industry.

    Love the post and for all you do for Xbox, I bet your Xbox is in the mail.

    -Ric

  26. Pingback: My biggest surprise at E3 « M wrote it

  27. I Disapprove of Everything says:

    Cameron Disapproves. Of Kinect and it’s fricking gay *** presentation that is. How much of a loser do you have to be to want to adopt a pet in a game AND THEN ATTEMPT TO PET IT! Also Dance Central looks absolutly retarded due to lack of good music/moves/demonstrators who can actually dance. I find that those fitness games will be the only ones that will sell, for the same reason the Wii Fit sold. Fat-people-who-want-to-be-skinny-the-easy-way. There is no easy way; none at all! Make some good kinect games where I can slash a ninja zombie elf in half with an oversized sword, kick his still-standing legs over, and then feed him to my trusty Hellhound and maybe we’ll talk Kinect.

    Overall: Kinect=Disapproval

  28. Ragnarok Ark says:

    with that battle tag shit, he did say something funny. I played with my kids before coming..? come on man, have some dignity

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