Top Six Things I Hate About the E3 Expo 2010 Thus Far
June 17, 2010 48 Comments
I have never had the pleasure of attending the Electronic Entertainment Expo (an annual computer and video game trade show that doles out more nerdgasms than Olivia Munn and Brian Jarrard combined), but that certainly hasn’t stopped me from soaking in an inordinate amount of coverage, both from online and television sources alike. While I may not have caught every individual keynote, I’ve certainly watched enough to get thoroughly irritated by several different things. So without further ado, here are the top six things I hate about this year’s E3 thus far. I’d list more but damn if I’m not lazy.
Watching Shigeru Miyamoto demo The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword was positively painful. There were more fruitless moves and fumbled motions than the last time I asked my ex-boyfriend to go down on me. While they claimed the numerous failures were due to interference, it looked suspiciously like what happens every single time somebody attempts to play the Wii. You end up battling the unresponsive controller instead of actually playing the game. I guess I’ll learn from their blunder-full presentation and check to make sure my thousands of wireless devices are turned off next time.
Instead of presenting video games, Ubisoft chose to unveil gigantic piles of steaming shit this year. One of their more groundbreaking titles was Battle Tag, a “game” that uses the console to tally scores for those people that don’t know how to count. Oddly reminiscent of laser tag, it’s almost like Ubisoft didn’t know that this has already been around for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS. Not to get you prematurely excited, but rumors are next year they’ll be showcasing something they’re tentatively calling “the wheel.”
Microsoft not only revealed their latest and greatest version of the Xbox 360, but they also gave one away to each and every person who was physically in attendance. Giving away expensive, free consoles to a crowd full of journalists who already get all their gaming stuff for free? I can’t decide if Don Mattrick is more like Oprah (“One for you, and you, and you, and you!”) or George W. Bush. Either way I’m calling bullshit, unless they send me one of those sleek, black beauties course. Then I’m completely fine with it.
Kinect for Xbox 360, a controller-free gaming and entertainment experience that was first introduced at E3 2009, was shown in detail during Microsoft’s keynote. Launching on November 4th with 15 different titles, detail after detail was announced. Except for the price that is. Perhaps they aren’t aware that the release date is under five months away. Maybe they’re letting Gamestop leak the price for them. Either way, say something official already. It’s the question on everybody’s mind. Well, if you disregard the one about why that dude with long hair is always wearing sunglasses that is.
I get the fact that a booth babe’s primary purpose is to be physically attractive. I also get the fact that these promotional models’ interactions are supposed to focus more on quantity instead of quality. But seriously, would it kill some of these girls to actually acknowledge the people playing their games and perhaps not have the most humongous stick to ever exist inserted directly up their ass? We don’t want people chatting our ears off when we’re playing a demo but there must be a happy medium in between a motormouth and an eye contact-avoiding bitch. Oh well, it could be worse I suppose. There could be no bewbs.
When the fine folks over at Ubisoft aren’t busy playing laser tag, they are probably practicing their revolutionary deep breathing techniques. That practice is sure to make them pros at Innergy, their latest wellness game offering. The goal is to relax by breathing in and out, but little do they know that you can get the same exact stress-relieving benefits from taking a nap. And guess what? Naps don’t cost sixty fucking dollars! Not only is the concept a complete waste of a video game, but it’s almost like it’s been done before. OH WAIT….
*There were some keynotes that I missed so if you have a gripe that isn’t listed, leave it in a comment!