What Your Halo: Reach Armor Ability Says About You
May 25, 2010 212 Comments
Many first-person shooter fanatics spent several days playing the Halo: Reach beta. Some used it as an opportunity to playtest the game and provide invaluable feedback based upon their numerous experiences. Others invested as many hours as they could afford in the hope that it would eventually give them a leg up on the competition when the game officially releases. I did neither of those things though and instead devoted all of my spare time to the pursuit of academic research. I observed countless gamers, the armor abilities they repeatedly selected, and carefully linked together the common characteristics shared between those that favored the same loadout. I’m dedicated, I know, and lucky for you I’m also nice because I have decided to share my findings. Enjoy the insight into each of these players, and don’t blame me if you recognize yourself. I’m just the messenger you know.
Active Camouflage* is a type of light-bending technology that renders the player almost completely invisible. Users of this concealing effect prefer catching their opponents off guard and often stand still for long periods of time. They are happiest wielding a shotgun, gravity hammer, or energy sword as weapons that require more than a single pull of the trigger are beyond their general skill level. They are known for their ability to pitch a tent, and I’m not talking about the bulging one in your pants either. As they are more stationary than most, they also tend to fall asleep frequently mid-game. Chances are they have either been ridiculed for snoring over the mic or have starred in a YouTube video where they fell asleep and their friends abused their unattended body in numerous, imaginative ways. Most active camo users are pussies, but they’re pussies who are often found covertly crouching on your face because unfortunately they almost always get the better of you.
Armor Lock* is an ability that provides the player with a small shield that temporarily grants them invulnerability from any and all damage. Users of the EMP-generating effect are often adrenaline junkies who get enjoyment out of narrowly escaping death, or they are individuals who derive large amounts of pleasure from making total and complete fools out of their not so bright opponents. If you’re foolish enough to attempt to pummel them with a gravity hammer, they’ll laugh hysterically as they throw their fist to the ground and then quickly reverse the action to instead connect it directly to your surprised, and now deceased, face. Tank beats all? Not to these fearless individuals. In bed when they get dangerously close to the edge they think of Bea Arthur. In Halo they activate Armor Lock. In both instances, they’re hard as a rock and it’s typically far from game over.
The Jet Pack* allows the player to maneuver mid-air through the manipulation of a user-operated jet engine mounted on their back. Fans of this particular piece of propulsion equipment are often known as those fucking annoying jumpers in other land movement only games. In extreme cases they are even compared to Paris Hilton when she’s on top because of their incessant tendency to repeatedly bounce up and down. Expelling gas is nothing new to this group of individuals. They frequently release large amounts of it, both in game and out. They get a secret thrill out of killing individuals when they’re soaring through the sky, more than likely because they can’t do it when their feet are on the ground.
Sprint* is an ability that allows fast attacks and quick escapes through the use of an higher than average player speed. Individuals that utilize this motion acceleration are often lacking in any sort of courage or bravery. Taking the slightest bit of damage, whether it be from close range or not, will cause them to hightail it as far as a few seconds of spirited running can get them. When the going gets tough, these not so tough get going. They prefer to avoid conflict, and will often do so at any cost. They might as well be an Elite every game because the only thing they’re going to do is evade. They’ll probably do so while yelling complete and utter gibberish as well.
*People who use this ability can’t get a kill any other way. Most of the time they can’t get a kill with it either.