The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta
April 27, 2010 43 Comments
The Halo: Reach beta is a mere six days away. Other websites successfully prepped the fairweather fans by recapping the obvious facts such as Elites are going to be larger than Spartans and a new weapon called the M392 Designated Marksman Rifle will be introduced. For the hardcore crowd however, those summaries are positively snore-worthy. Thankfully I’ve got your MJOLNIR Armor-sporting back covered so turn on your printer, make sure the ink tanks are full, and get ready to snag your own copy of The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta. Because you know what? It’s super awesome! And you will be too once you finish checking off this list.
Purchase and learn how to properly use a catheter so you can eliminate more than just those pesky bathroom breaks. Should you not feel comfortable inserting tubes directly into your penis or vagina, peeing into empty milk jugs works as well.
Make flash cards to assist in studying and memorizing the new button layout. Print out a poster-size version to hang to the side of your television just in case.
Post-date daily emails to friends and loved ones so they don’t come to check on you out of worry. Think of it this way, it will save you the trouble of having to get up and answer the door when they come a-knocking. As if you would during the beta anyways.
Set all social media statuses to busy.
Hire a reliable home nurse to insert and maintain long-term IV nourishment. Eating is not only time consuming but with the discontinuation of push to talk, nobody wants to be forced to listen to your annoying lip smacking. Mute it before you chew it! Or just don’t chew.
Buy a spare Xbox 360 and an additional copy of Halo: ODST. As the common saying goes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And that will more than likely happen in the form of a flashing red ring when you attempt to power up your 360 on May 3rd.
Pay all your bills through the entire month of May. Feel free to skip the phone one though as you won’t be answering it for the duration of the beta.
Forge a note from your doctor so when you call in sick for the 7th day in a row, you will be fully prepared for your boss’s inevitable response. (Did you happen to see what I did there by chance? Forge a note? Get it? Damn, those Halo jokes are fucking hilarious!)
Take a shower the evening before the beta. Invest in as many cans of body spray and candles you can afford for the days after that.
Lastly, enjoy the beta. I know I certainly will!