The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta

Halo 3  Reach Screenshot

The Halo: Reach beta is a mere six days away. Other websites successfully prepped the fairweather fans by recapping the obvious facts such as Elites are going to be larger than Spartans and a new weapon called the M392 Designated Marksman Rifle will be introduced. For the hardcore crowd however, those summaries are positively snore-worthy. Thankfully I’ve got your MJOLNIR Armor-sporting back covered so turn on your printer, make sure the ink tanks are full, and get ready to snag your own copy of The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta. Because you know what? It’s super awesome! And you will be too once you finish checking off this list.


CheckPurchase and learn how to properly use a catheter so you can eliminate more than just those pesky bathroom breaks. Should you not feel comfortable inserting tubes directly into your penis or vagina, peeing into empty milk jugs works as well.
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Make flash cards to assist in studying and memorizing the new button layout. Print out a poster-size version to hang to the side of your television just in case.
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CheckPost-date daily emails to friends and loved ones so they don’t come to check on you out of worry. Think of it this way, it will save you the trouble of having to get up and answer the door when they come a-knocking. As if you would during the beta anyways.
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Set all social media statuses to busy.
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CheckHire a reliable home nurse to insert and maintain long-term IV nourishment. Eating is not only time consuming but with the discontinuation of push to talk, nobody wants to be forced to listen to your annoying lip smacking. Mute it before you chew it! Or just don’t chew.
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CheckBuy a spare Xbox 360 and an additional copy of Halo: ODST. As the common saying goes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And that will more than likely happen in the form of a flashing red ring when you attempt to power up your 360 on May 3rd.
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Pay all your bills through the entire month of May. Feel free to skip the phone one though as you won’t be answering it for the duration of the beta.
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CheckForge a note from your doctor so when you call in sick for the 7th day in a row, you will be fully prepared for your boss’s inevitable response. (Did you happen to see what I did there by chance? Forge a note? Get it? Damn, those Halo jokes are fucking hilarious!)
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Take a shower the evening before the beta. Invest in as many cans of body spray and candles you can afford for the days after that.
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Lastly, enjoy the beta. I know I certainly will!

43 Responses to The Hardcore Gamer’s Guide to Preparing for the Halo: Reach Beta

  1. PunkPirateAFO says:

    Everyone!

    Quickly, to Walmart! We must buy all cans of Axe we can, and incense, lots of incense!

    • Mizzy says:

      Only if you enjoy your house smelling like a hippy d-bag.

      • soulofaqua says:

        Hippies don’t like the horrible chemical smell of Axe. We prefer to rub flowers under our armpits.

        • Mizzy says:

          Nono, the d-bag is for Axe and the incense is for the hippies. Get it right! xD

    • Barky says:

      No for The posh people of Posh of Royal Tunbridge wells we must dash to our cars and alert our personal chauffeurs to drive and get us the most luxurious of foodstuffs and tea and crumpets and scones!
      Now to alert the members of your royal mansion staff not to disturb you and to prepare the “gaming room” with the most luxurious silks and cushions and heritage sofas.

  2. Crazy A 64 says:

    Angel the Catheter has gone wrong! I can now pee sideways… also on a side note there’s blood… lots of blood.

    • bs angel says:

      Are you sure you’re not just on your period?

  3. How am I supposed to skip school?

    • bs angel says:

      Proceed with the forging of a doctor’s note. Also install a deadbolt on the inside of your bedroom door to keep out the parental units.

      • OwlAssassin says:

        For the UK, Bungie messed up. Me and every other 16-18 yr old are facing the biggest exams of our lives. Now Reach appears!

        • Mike says:

          not just UK, some of my friends are going through finals as well (notice how i dont say i am affected :D … im too old D: )

        • xLAS3RP01NT3Rx says:

          AP exams are like next week over here…
          So I know lots of people that won’t have much time for this beta.

        • Skitzo Sven says:

          That sucks.
          I just got finished with mine so :)

        • tbosta501 says:

          Screw College Board. No studying for AP exams.My flashcards are button layouts

  4. Rippolighter159 says:

    I saw House use a catheter once (in an episode) and it looked… painful. But seriously I can’t wait for the beta, I have been playing loads of halo 3 lately so I’m ready.

    • Radius says:

      It is painful. However, when the morphine has made it imposible to pee, it is infinitly better than sitting there with a blader fuller than you can imagine.

    • bs angel says:

      Lube. Get some.

      • Ragingterror says:

        And a urojet. Seriously.

        (Special syringe of topical lidocaine jelly that can be directly squeezed into the urethra)

  5. Drake says:

    I think step 6 is so true. My 360 had a hardware failure last week. I’m about to shoot myself if I don’t get a new one by the time of the beta.

    • punkpirateafo says:

      Buy a new 360 to play while yours is at the shop, then return it after the Beta is over. ;)

      Most places have a 30 day warranty and I doubt the Beta will last longer than that.

      FIGHT DA POWAH!

  6. Dani says:

    You forgot to mention pets, if my cats die I’m blaming you. =\

  7. I’ve got the 360 hardware failure covered. If mine red-rings, I’m using my dad’s. If his red-rings then, I drive* (*read as: fucking floor it and speed) to my mom’s and use their 360. And if THAT one red-rings, I show up at a friend’s house and commandeer their 360.

    Also, I can see the TV from the bathroom with the door open. I think I’m set.

  8. Absolute Edge says:

    Should probably feed the pets too…

    • Wldrangel says:

      That’s what the boyfriend/girlfriend is for :P

  9. KalamariKidd says:

    Who needs a catheter when you have a toilet installed in the living room.

    Its pure genius, I know.

    • Monkey_lord says:

      I would like to say that Homer already though of this.

    • Monkey_lord says:

      Oops the embed did not work, sorry. Here’s the link look at time 1:40-end.

      http://www.hulu.com/watch/42334/the-simpsons-four-great-inventions

  10. Captain Spark says:

    angle, I’m disappointed that you forgot to mention that married gamers should take care of their marital needs before getting sidetracked with the Beta :)

    • Wldrangel says:

      They will be too busy taking care of the pets to care.

    • SonofMacPhisto says:

      ‘Marital duties’ > Beta. I mean, c’mon now folks. :phisto:

    • soulofaqua says:

      A real gamer doesn’t stop gaming to satisfy their women. They do both at the same time! Doggiestyle and blowjobs are ideal positions as they hardly block your vision and you don’t need your hands.

    • smurph says:

      no need, my wife will be playing WITH me :)

    • bs angel says:

      That’s a given my dearest Spark. I tried to tackle the things you may have not thought of. :)

  11. I’ll be in DC on May 3rd.

    ;_;

    • mendicantbias00 says:

      The beta is longer than one day! =)

  12. Matthew says:

    I love the picture they have for this.lol Very clever dude :D I didn’t realize until I saw the bigger version of how they made it.lol

  13. JacobSk says:

    The saddest part is there will always be at least one crazy person who will actually do this.

    • KalamariKidd says:

      ya, I believe we will hear about some sorry person committed to playing to playing the beta 24/7 throughout its time span

      • bs angel says:

        :raises hand:

        I’ll commit to that!

  14. iPurism says:

    Oh, I should have used a milk jug instead of a soda can. :( The pain!

  15. Jp says:

    Btw women don’t pee through their Vaginas

    • Voicedwalnut says:

      Um you do know that the creator of this blog (bs angel) is a woman right so she would know

  16. ReachFTW says:

    Holy shit!! I didn’t even mean too but I already have completed every one of those steps! (except for the doctors note, but considering their are corrupt doctors who give prescriptions for pot, a months doctors pass shouldnt be hard to manage) But you forgot two steps: Bring sunglasses so you aren’t blinded by Reach’s godliness and to bring lube so the noobs can wack off to the AMAZING jet packs!!

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