Press Absolutely No Button to Skip

Carcassonne

Dearest Carcassonne,

The other day I got dizzy from bending over and practicing my Goatse impersonation in the bathroom mirror so I turned on my Xbox 360, loaded up the Arcade, and started scanning the titles, hoping that something would catch my eye. I stumbled upon you, which I’m forced to call The Game that I Have No Clue How to Pronounce since your title is so fucking weird, and decided to give you a spin. I know I’m late to the party and to be honest, I don’t have a clue as to how I even acquired you. I just know I didn’t purchase you because I certainly wouldn’t pay good money for a fucking boring ass board game on a console. They’re called board games for a reason. Because they make you BORED.

Anyways, I went through the tutorial, which was about as confusing as I am when I have raging pms, and then played some single player. I was pleasantly surprised to find the experience somewhat enjoyable. Well, more enjoyable that stretching my own anus that is. {EDIT: Under further consideration, it’s not more enjoyable than stretching my own anus. Really, have you tried it? It’s a shitload of fun!} After a few games however, the excessively drawn out scoring sequence at the end started to irritate me. It doesn’t take a brainiac to understand the process behind the final awarding of points, and sitting through the snore-worthy tally each and every time makes me want to punch my own face. You do realize I will never get that time back, right? That’s almost two entire minutes per game that I could be doing something else. Like finding three wrinkly old men, buying some acidic fruit, and having a good ol’ fashioned citrus celebration where everybody’s invited to come!

If you ever patch this game (fix the online lag while you’re at it because with graphics this simple, there’s no excuse for a pause with every damn move), please make the point calculation skippable. I’m well aware of the fact that you know the final score immediately because when I won my first ranked game, the achievement for winning an online match popped up before the score even started getting totaled. Despite the annoying shortcomings though, I will continue to make penis-shaped cities. But every time you take two minutes of my life at the conclusion of each game, I get one step closer to going back upstairs to the bathroom. A tub girl impression is next on my list and believe me, nobody wants to see that.

PS: And by nobody, I mean everybody. Sluuurp!

31 Responses to Press Absolutely No Button to Skip

  1. Nice little rant you got there angel

  2. xLAS3RP01NT3Rx says:

    That one post well made up for all the .. stuff I missed over the weekend >.<

  3. Mr Viper says:

    You got Carcrapasone as a free download to ‘make up’ for a large bit of Xbox Live downtime that occured ages ago. I can see that it went down well.

  4. “I just know I didn’t purchase you because I certainly wouldn’t pay good money for a fucking boring ass board game on a console. ”

    “I’m well aware of the fact that you know the final score immediately because when I won my first ranked game, the achievement for winning an online match popped up before the score even started getting totaled.”

    Don’t you have to buy the game to get the achievements? o_O

    Also I think Cliffy B might be interested in that Tub Girl impression.

    • bs angel says:

      I guess Cliffy B and I have at least one interest in common!

      • *shudder*

  5. Schoony says:

    Awhile back, Carcassone was available for free download. That’s probably why you don’t remember it.

  6. ReverendTiki says:

    So many horrible (and sexy) images are stuck in my head! Sluuurp!

  7. the_eNeME says:

    =) Yay does this mean more people will start playing this again now and I can finally get the rest of those achievements?

    • bs angel says:

      I just started playing this a few weeks ago and I’ve actually been finding ranked games. At my extremely odd playing time of 3 am too!

  8. I think I just threw up a little. :X

  9. Obi Wan Stevobi says:

    That game rocks. My favorite part is putting a road piece into the castle someone has been working on in such a way that the castle will never be completed.

  10. liphttam1 says:

    I think it’s pronounced Carcassonne.

    • bs angel says:

      Lawlz. You’re such a smart ass!

      • liphttam1 says:

        I expected 17 thumbs downs….. So, people like smart asses but hate me when I’m over critical?

        Wierd.

        • cardo8 says:

          Don’t take thumbs too seriously, unless one’s being jammed in yer butt.

        • Well said.

        • Gnome says:

          Technically, that would take a thumbs up

        • pwkwsfi says:

          unless you are tub girl

  11. Rippolighter159 says:

    Way to much infomation…

  12. Mizzy says:

    Great way to start the morning with the taste of bile in my mouth.

  13. Ragingterror says:

    That’s almost two entire minutes per game that I could be doing something else. Like finding three wrinkly old men, buying some acidic fruit, and having a good ol’ fashioned citrus celebration where everybody’s invited to come!

    The lemon party reference is where I lost it.

    LOL!

    • “You can’t have a Lemon Party without Old Dick!”

      :rofl:

  14. Ray says:

    O_O I am now scarred forever.
    lmao

  15. Thors toe says:

    damn, lol

  16. PikminGod says:

    hawty i would destroy you in a game of carrrcassonnesesnnses

    • bs angel says:

      Dude, my penis-shaped cities would dwarf anything you have!

  17. porge says:

    There’s a Carcassonne board game, it’s actually really fun. I never knew they made it an Xbox Arcade game though

  18. TheChrisD says:

    You complain about the length of time taken for final scoring at the end, yet obviously you’ve never played an actual game of Carcassone with actual tiles and actual little wooden follower pieces. It takes about twice the length it does on the console to play, and then an absolute crap-ton more time to figure out the points manually by hand…

    Not to mention the cleanup time…

  19. I remember playing this game ^_^

    The scoring is honestly what made me stop playing lol

    • bs angel says:

      Finally, someone who understands!

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