New Year’s Resolutions for Gamers
January 2, 2010 68 Comments
As I do every year, I recently set aside a few hours to compose my customary New Year’s resolutions list. It took me but a few seconds to write GET MORE PENIS so after sitting with my thumb up my ass for a while (don’t knock it ’til you try it), I realized I had enough time to draft some New Year’s resolutions for you, the average gamer, as well. Yes I know, I’m so incredibly kind, which is why I didn’t bother writing that one down. So off we go to yours!
I think it’s really great that you like completely random titles from other countries that nobody has ever heard of. Seriously, I do. But quit thinking it makes you a better person than I am. I may not play games that have subtitles or have anything in my collection that has sold less than ten copies total but that does not make me inferior to you. Do you know why? Because they’re all fucking video games. So what if I’m obsessed with Master Chief and you’re an expert at all things JRPG? We both waste our time maneuvering pixels around a screen, yours just happen to move a little bit differently. Probably because they’re highfalutin, bitchy ass douchebags like you.
The Xbox 360 is the best console hands down because of its extensive library; plus it doubles as a space heater! But the PlayStation 3 has the best graphics ever and also provides an instant Blue-ray player! And don’t forget the Nintendo Wii is so user friendly that even your baby’s momma’s fetus that hasn’t developed fingers yet can use it! Every single console has advantages and disadvantages, positives and negatives, good things and bad. Until they grow penises and we can actually compare sizes, quit acting like one of them can clean your house, make you a sandwich, and suck your dick all at the same time because you know what? Only your mom is capable of such feats which you would realize if you called home every once in a while, you fucking ungrateful bastard you.
I see your gamerscore is over 50,000, I see you have lots of little platinum trophies, and I see you have the 117th highest number of headshots in your favorite game. But I also see you’re a complete and total asshole who thinks your video game accomplishments actually mean something in real life. The fact of the matter is those things don’t get you a better job (unless you’re a video game tester), they don’t get you the girl (unless they’re a video game tester), and they don’t make your genitals bigger (unless it’s your video game character). So by all means be proud of your gaming accomplishments but also recognize an asshole by any other name still smells like shit and unfortunately for you, there’s only two girls who like that and they both happen to be taken. By a cup of all things.