The Katonian Press: Sledgehammer Wielding Maniac Terrorizes Mars
June 22, 2009 14 Comments
The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.
Sledgehammer Wielding Maniac Terrorizes Mars
Parker, Mars – EDF security officers are on the lookout for a vigilante they blame for a recent wave of violence and dozens of acts of sabotage throughout the mining sector of Parker. The suspect has been identified as Alec Mason, an immigrant salvage worker with alleged ties to the terrorist group Red Faction. Authorities warned that Mason is armed and a highly unstable individual. If spotted he should be reported to your local curfew officer or security detail. He should not be approached.
An EDF officer who has witnessed firsthand the fugitive’s handiwork, spoke on the condition of anonymity. “This guy shows up on a transport last week and almost immediately starts a guerrilla campaign against the free people of Mars. An EDF detail stopped him for a routine security screening and the guy goes ape shit, spouting off about his rights and some brother of his. They asked him for his papers and tried to talk some sense into him, when he pulls out the biggest sledgehammer you’ve ever seen and starts swinging. The order came down to pacify him when all of the sudden his Red Faction cronies pop up outta nowhere and open fire on the squad. It was a massacre!”
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