The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.
Valve Announces Left 4 Dead 3, Due October 2009
Bellevue, WA – Fresh off the heels of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Valve Software dropped another bombshell this week, announcing a third entry in their zombie survival series Left 4 Dead. “We are very excited to continue this franchise,” said Gabe Newell, founder and managing director of Valve. “We know our fans can’t wait to confront the zombie hordes again. And so we proudly announce our next title, Left 4 Dead 3, coming to PC and Xbox 360 consoles in October… of this year!”
The original Left 4 Dead was released to popular and critical acclaim in November of 2008 and has sold over 2.5 million copies. A sequel, Left 4 Dead 2, was announced at this year’s E3 and is slated for release in November of 2009.
Regarding the release date, Newell had this to say: “I know that this announcement means that Left 4 Dead 3 will actually release before Left 4 Dead 2, which might not make sense to some. But we’re just so excited about what we’ve done with this game that we want to get it into the gamer’s hands as soon as we can.”
Pressed about the quick turnaround in new titles, Valve’s Chet Faliszek assuaged some fears. ”We came up with some really cool ideas during the development of Left 4 Dead 2 but the programmers had already written a bunch of code so we were kinda like: ‘Screw it, let’s make a NEW game!’ And we did! Besides, there was no way our cool new changes could have been applied to the previous games–I mean, it’s not like there’s some kind of magical ‘patch’ we could apply that would update them.”
Valve promises that Left 4 Dead 3 won’t disappoint. Players will get to take the role of one of four survivors: Joey, Francine, Louie, or Phil. New enemies include The Burper (who belches toxic smoke on players) and multi-ethnic zombies dressed in culture-specific clothing. The highly-touted A.I. Director feature, which dynamically ramps up the tension and difficulty for the players, has undergone some major changes as well. Valve wouldn’t reveal all the details, but an e-mail response did offer this tidbit: “Let’s just say the A.I. Director is a lot smarter and a lot more powerful this time around. You might just find yourself fighting your way to the escape vehicle in a movie and BOOM–your Xbox reboots. That’s the A.I. director at work.”
And what about new weapons? ”We’re replacing the Sniper Rifle with a bow and arrow, since it’ll do about as much good against the Horde. Oh, and there’s now a sawed-off shotgun and, wait for it, a slightly better sawed-off shotgun. Zombies beware!”
Major retailers are now taking pre-orders for Left 4 Dead 2, Left 4 Dead 3, and Left 4 Dead 4 which was just announced during the writing of this story.













Posted by HellCat on June 15, 2009 at 2:50 am
Good right up. i’m loving how it mocks L4D 2 (or Just left 2 Die in my opinion) but i think it will be good. I just hate how sequels and DLC are announced before things are even close to being released
Posted by amk on October 6, 2009 at 12:09 pm
There could be a 3 where louis is found lol
Posted by DethPwn on June 15, 2009 at 4:58 am
Is this our Kato? Gewd work! Also, I recommend all who enjoyed this watch the YouTube video ‘Hitler hears about Left 4 Dead 2′
Posted by mendicantbias00 on June 15, 2009 at 6:17 am
That video was hilarious.
Posted by crazy jo on July 5, 2009 at 5:46 pm
what video
Posted by Kato on June 15, 2009 at 7:05 am
Depends on who you mean by “our Kato”. :)
Posted by Bob on June 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm
What do you mean? its My Kato XD
Posted by Ryley on November 4, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I also loved that video
look up bill finds out about l4d2
it’s freaking hilarious
Posted by GeneralCupcakes on June 15, 2009 at 6:51 am
And Wait, there’s more!
A shotgun with the barrels sawed off to the point it look like a pistol!, that you can dual wield!
Posted by Kato on June 15, 2009 at 7:11 am
In related news, Microsoft has announced a new entry in the ever-popular Halo universe entitled “Halo: Left 4 Dead”. Play as Master Chief, the Arbiter, N’tho ‘Sraom, or Usze ‘Taham, fighting hordes of the Flood to reach the next Forerunner safehouse. “It’s Left 4 Dead with plasma grenades!” says lead writer Frank O’Connor.
Posted by Trader Sam on June 15, 2009 at 10:35 am
I could actually see something like that happening. . . Endless waves of flood sent out after you.
Each area could have a few “normal” enemies (Elites Grunts Brutes etc.) and while dispatching them the flood comes in and zombiefys (infects) them. . . It couldn’t play the same way Halo does right now though, it would need a few tweaks to make it work.
Posted by mendicantbias00 on June 15, 2009 at 11:25 am
Wasn’t that pretty much “The Library” from Combat Evolved?
;)
Posted by ShadowNova DVX on July 22, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I would swear they now call it ‘Firefight’!!!
Posted by madBOX20 on June 15, 2009 at 7:16 am
wait. left 4 dead 3 (due oct. 2009) comes out before left 4 dead 2 (due nov 2009)???!?!?!
Posted by LAZR Blade 14 on June 15, 2009 at 8:15 am
I spy a little displeasure at the TF2 sniper update.
Posted by Billdebeast on June 15, 2009 at 8:42 am
apart from the fact that it makes no fucking sense it should be cool
Posted by Mike on June 15, 2009 at 9:15 am
… man… this would be funnier if it wasnt a possible reality :-(
more ethnic stereotype zombies i can see happening
having more ideas that cant fit into a game that shouldnt even be made yet i can see happening
multiple versions of the same gun… most likely being a sawed off shotgun i can see happening
system getting rebooted while playing i can see happening
sigh… all terrifying possiblities
Posted by nixproto on June 15, 2009 at 10:46 am
at first i was like “huh? are you sure?” but once i read on i was laughing so hard! can’t wait for the bow and arrow! the sniper sucks and the slightly better sawed off shotgun sounds like a BLAST! haha.
Posted by zackowens23 on June 16, 2009 at 10:58 am
Haha, Inside Gaming thought that this was a serious post
Posted by StephaBon on June 17, 2009 at 11:43 pm
It’s Star Wars all over again
Posted by Jarryd on July 1, 2009 at 5:24 am
i got Left for dead 2 , is awsome , cant wait for # 3 , SOUND GOOD , semi auto shot gun , that gun rocks , pipe bombs are cool , and not to mention the barrels os petrol you can pour onto zombies and ignite ,
‘
THE GAME ROCKS
Posted by L4D:42 days later on July 15, 2009 at 11:12 pm
I’m seriously confused!?!…is there REALLY gonna be a LEFT 4 DEAD 3 coming out October 2009?
Posted by Steve on July 16, 2009 at 3:17 am
Are you metally retarded? “I’m seriously confused!?!…is there REALLY gonna be a LEFT 4 DEAD 3 coming out October 2009?” – L4D:42 days later
Posted by Brennan on November 6, 2009 at 8:54 am
no there will be no LFD3 in October. its just a joke.THAT’S VERY funny lol i though it was real XD
Posted by L4D:42 days later on July 16, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Wtf!?, how the hell am I mentaly retarded 4 askin that fuckin Question?…I thought they seriously ment L4D III was really gonna come out b4 L4D II…what part of the question did u not get?
Posted by alen on July 19, 2009 at 9:53 pm
left 4 dead 3 is the same like left 4 dead 1
Posted by porkstein on July 22, 2009 at 3:32 am
First sentence:
The Katonian Press [...] will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news.
How did you not get that?!
Posted by Tankbuster on July 25, 2009 at 9:38 am
i got Left for dead 2 , is awsome , cant wait for # 3 , SOUND GOOD , semi auto shot gun , that gun rocks , pipe bombs are cool , and not to mention the barrels os petrol you can pour onto zombies and ignite ,
‘
THE GAME ROCKS – Jarryd
L4D2 isn’t even out yet, idiot. It’s not due out til November 17th.
Posted by alex on August 22, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Omg the second 1 comes out in november wat the hell
Posted by Anonymous on September 1, 2009 at 6:08 pm
The sad thing is: Valve probably already has Left 4 Dead 3 in the works.
Posted by Mama Luigi on September 2, 2009 at 6:10 pm
That’s cool! I thought they will not work again with Half-Life 2 Episode Three and start Left 4 Dead 3.
Posted by Should I buy L4D or wait for L4D2? - Overclock.net - Overclocking.net on September 29, 2009 at 10:59 pm
[...] i'd hold off for LFD 3 [...]
Posted by Tremor209 on October 14, 2009 at 6:50 am
Impossible!!!Left 4 Dead 2 is coming out this november . and how could possibly Left 4 Dead 3 is coming out first than Left 4 Dead 2.
Posted by ZombieBambie on October 19, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Huh? But Left4Dead2 Is Coming Out In November! You Cant Relese A Left4Dead3 Out before Left4Dead2! XD Lol Well It Would Be Awesome For A Left4Dead3 Tho!! YAYY! Wait No I Havent Even Played Left4Dead2 Yet Lol XD YAYY! Cant Wait Till November!!!
Posted by GameFrik! on November 4, 2009 at 8:54 am
Well.. That would be interesting..
But still.. why give the announcement of a 3rd when they havent Released the 2nd.
Besides.. when i played Left4Dead2 Demo.. i kinda didnt get the feeling of Left4Dead.. i wanna play as Louis, Bill, Francis and Zoey.. well changes are good, but i dont relly get the feeling of play left4dead. cant wait for the 3rd. i love the games anyways!!
Posted by Anonymous on November 5, 2009 at 1:33 am
Some people seem to not be getting the point of the article. It’s not serious; it’s just meant to be humorous.
Posted by IcyTreats on November 7, 2009 at 5:20 am
Yeah that’s what’s kinda funny. people are actually taking this seriously.
Any takers on a L4D4?
Posted by cryman on November 16, 2009 at 12:14 pm
It is regular fake.Nobody will buy L4D2 if it will be L4D3 faster.Silly fake.I like L4D series.This is just fake.Valve are not silly,arent they?