>pick up guitar
You pick up the guitar.

The crowd around you quiets down, an expectant hush settling over the room.

>push you
You can’t see any such thing.

>push me?
You can’t see any such thing.

>push the fucking blue button.
You can’t see any such thing.

>WTF? PUSH BLUE BUTTON
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>Push your mom off the stage
You push my mother off the stage.
She falls on the power switch.

The screen flickers to life, revealing a grid with five columns and colored circles falling down them. Music begins to blast from the speakers.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>There we go, now its time to rumble
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.

>I’m talking to you, dumbshit.
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.

>-_-
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>Of course it’s not.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>Dammit.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>Fuck you
I only understood you as far as wanting to fuck.

>:3 Dirty bot, eh?
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.

>Let’s get it on.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>Oh, fine.
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.

>Push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push red
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

The audience grumbles grumpily.

>push black
You can’t see any such thing.

>push yellow
You push the yellow button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push red
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A yellow circle slides down the screen.

Someone in the audience yells, “Are you blind? Naw, I guess you’re just stupid!”.

>MY EYES
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>
I beg your pardon?

>I CAn’t see
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.

>INvENTORY? MY EYES ARE BLEEEDDING
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.

>Fuck
This may be a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but you’re officially playing an all-ages show, so tone the obscenity down a bit.

A green circle slides down the screen.

>
I beg your pardon?

>
I beg your pardon?

>AHHH
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>PUSH BLUE
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A red circle slides down the screen.

Your utter failure to mimic a series of colored circles enrages the crowd, who storm the stage. Chaos ensues as someone grabs the guitar out of your hands and beats you over the head with it, knocking you unconscious. Your prone body is trampled to death by the enraged audience.

*** You have died ***

Your epic success at pressing colored buttons on a fake guitar throws the crowd into hysteric ecstasy; they proceed to storm the stage. Plastic axe held high in victory, you’re lifted from the ground onto the hands of your adoring fans and passed around the audience. The raucous cheering is deafening. So this is what it’s like to be a rock star.

*** You rock ***

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, or QUIT?
> GTFO
Please give one of the answers above.
>
Please give one of the answers above.
> GTMFO
Please give one of the answers above.
> GTFFO
Please give one of the answers above.
> GTFOOO
Please give one of the answers above.
> PLZ GTFO
Please give one of the answers above.
> KINDLY GTFO

Champion of Guitars
An Interactive Fiction by Bill Meltsner
Release 1 / Serial number 090121 / Inform 7 build 5J39 (I6/v6.31 lib 6/11N)

Cantina
The current management of this rather seedy venue doesn’t much care about appearances, apparently. Nonetheless, it’s become one of the hottest spots in the area, attracting surly alcoholics from all around. A variety of local acts, the vast majority unrelentingly terrible, play here every Tuesday night. Coincidentally, it’s Tuesday night.

A host of unsavory-looking people makes up your audience for the night. They’re all staring at you expectantly.

A fake plastic guitar lies on the ground in front of you.

Bolted to the wall is a television screen, dark and forboding.

>pick up guitar
You pick up the guitar.

The crowd around you quiets down, an expectant hush settling over the room.

>hits self with guitar
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>wai?
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>you are an idiot.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>looks at screen.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>thats cuz your an idiot.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>jumps off cliff
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>eats guitar
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>eat
(the guitar)
That’s plainly inedible.

The screen flickers to life, revealing a grid with five columns and colored circles falling down them. Music begins to blast from the speakers.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>smashes guitar
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>that’s cuz ur ghey.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>fucks ur girlfriend.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>dat’s cuz u dun haz one.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>smashes columns.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>…
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>
I beg your pardon?

>pushes bartender
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>pushes audience
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>mugs audience
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>pushes blue
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>pushes red
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>waits.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>wait.
Time passes.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

The audience is silent, watching your every move.

>somebodey say something!
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>makes speech: everybody, bars suck, you arent going to meet anybody, go home, play halo all night.
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.

>everyone.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>wait.
Time passes.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push blue.
You push the blue button.

A red circle slides down the screen.

The audience is silent, watching your every move.

>push red.
You push the red button.

A green circle slides down the screen.

>push green.
You push the green button.

A yellow circle slides down the screen.

The audience is silent, watching your every move.

>push woman.
You can’t see any such thing.

>ya i can. this is a bar, isnt it? that means THERE ARE WOMEN. A GOOD LOOKING ONE, PLEASE.
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.

>wait.
Time passes.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push red.
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A yellow circle slides down the screen.

The audience grumbles discontentedly.

>push red.
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A green circle slides down the screen.

>push red.
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

Someone in the audience yells, “Play a real instrument, nerd!”.

>push red.
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push red.
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.

A yellow circle slides down the screen.

Your utter failure to mimic a series of colored circles enrages the crowd, who storm the stage. Chaos ensues as someone grabs the guitar out of your hands and beats you over the head with it, knocking you unconscious. Your prone body is trampled to death by the enraged audience.

*** You have died ***

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, or QUIT?
> yayz
Please give one of the answers above.
> no.
Please give one of the answers above.
> sry.
Please give one of the answers above.
> not coming, wat.
Please give one of the answers above.
> say something else.
Please give one of the answers above.
> or i’ll get mai splazer.
Please give one of the answers above.
> u asked for it.
Please give one of the answers above.
> beeeeeeeeeew…
Please give one of the answers above.
> broooooooooooo…
Please give one of the answers above.
> booom!
Please give one of the answers above.
> HOW ARE U STILL HERE?
Please give one of the answers above.
> THIS SUCKS. I’M LEAVING.
Please give one of the answers above.

Cantina
The current management of this rather seedy venue doesn’t much care about appearances, apparently. Nonetheless, it’s become one of the hottest spots in the area, attracting surly alcoholics from all around. A variety of local acts, the vast majority unrelentingly terrible, play here every Tuesday night. Coincidentally, it’s Tuesday night.

A host of unsavory-looking people makes up your audience for the night. They’re all staring at you expectantly.

A fake plastic guitar lies on the ground in front of you.

Bolted to the wall is a television screen, dark and forboding.

>pick up guitar
You pick up the guitar.

The crowd around you quiets down, an expectant hush settling over the room.

>look at guitar
The guitar has an orange button, a blue button, a red button, a yellow button and a green button.

The screen flickers to life, revealing a grid with five columns and colored circles falling down them. Music begins to blast from the speakers.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>push red
You push the red button.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>push red
You push the red button.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

The audience is silent, watching your every move.

>push blue
You push the blue button.

A orange circle slides down the screen.

>kick ass
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>smach bar
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>smash bar
You can’t see any such thing.

>im in it.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>sigh
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>smash orange
Violence isn’t the answer to this one.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

The audience is silent, watching your every move.

>yes it is
I only understood you as far as wanting to yes.

>…
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>fuck you
I only understood you as far as wanting to fuck.

>:)
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>:(
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>>:(
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>die
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>kill audience
The crowd’s a bit out of reach, and anyway, they look a lot stronger than you. Plus, they far outnumber you, and you’re wielding a toy guitar. Better to stick to rocking.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push blue
You push the blue button.

A yellow circle slides down the screen.

The audience is silent, watching your every move.

>push yellow
You push the yellow button.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>push red
You push the red button.

A orange circle slides down the screen.

The audience appears content with your performance.

>push orNGE
You can’t see any such thing.

>.push orange
You push the orange button.

A blue circle slides down the screen.

>push blue
You push the blue button.

A green circle slides down the screen.

The audience appears pleased with your performance.

>push green
You push the green button.

A red circle slides down the screen.

>push red
You push the red button.

A red circle slides down the screen.

The audience is really applauding your performance.

>really?
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>figures. push red.
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>PUSH RED!
You can’t see any such thing.

>push red.
You push the red button.

A orange circle slides down the screen.

>push orange
You push the orange button.

A red circle slides down the screen.

Your epic success at pressing colored buttons on a fake guitar throws the crowd into hysteric ecstasy; they proceed to storm the stage. Plastic axe held high in victory, you’re lifted from the ground onto the hands of your adoring fans and passed around the audience. The raucous cheering is deafening. So this is what it’s like to be a rock star.

*** You rock ***

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, or QUIT?