Interactive fiction, a type of computer adventure game with text-based input and output, always used to bug the shit out of me. Regardless of what I carefully entered at the awaiting prompt, it was never recognized. Then I would resort to ridiculing the artificial narrator before finally giving up. Despite my previous lack of success with this type of game, I thought I’d give this Guitar Hero-esque version a shot. The entire transcript is verbatim though a simple cut and paste with my text in red and the program text in italics. The ending makes reading the entire thing more than worth it. Bill Meltsner, I love you.
Champion of Guitars
An Interactive Fiction by Bill Meltsner
Release 1 / Serial number 090126 / Inform 7 build 5J39 (I6/v6.31 lib 6/11N)
Cantina
The current management of this rather seedy venue doesn’t much care about appearances, apparently. Nonetheless, it’s become one of the hottest spots in the area, attracting surly alcoholics from all around. A variety of local acts, the vast majority unrelentingly terrible, play here every Tuesday night. Coincidentally, it’s Tuesday night.
A host of unsavory-looking people makes up your audience for the night. They’re all staring at you expectantly.
A fake plastic guitar lies on the ground in front of you.
Bolted to the wall is a television screen, dark and forboding.
>does the what-is-love dance while scoping out the room
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>waits for someone to buy me a drink
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>keeps on waiting
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>buys a drink, downs it, and looks at the guitar
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.
>i would prefer to talk to someone who is well-endowed
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>is that what kids are calling it these days? taking inventory? ok, i want to take inventory all night long.
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.
>obviously. talk to someone about why this program is so stupid.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>goddamnit. look at guitar?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>LOOK AT GUITAR
The guitar has a orange button, a blue button, a red button, a yellow button and a green button.
>no shit sherlock. pick up guitar.
I only understood you as far as wanting to no.
>that made no fucking sense.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>you’re not a verb i recognize.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>PICK UP GUITAR
You pick up the guitar.
The crowd around you quiets down, an expectant hush settling over the room.
>they’re hushed because they’re amazed you understood something i said.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>what song is playing?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>what is on the tv screen?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>how the hell am i supposed to know what button to push if i don’t know what song is playing and i can’t see the tv?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>PUSH ORANGE BUTTON
You push the orange button.
Nothing happens here.
The screen flickers to life, revealing a grid with five columns and colored circles falling down them. Music begins to blast from the speakers.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>push yellow button
You push the yellow button.
A green circle slides down the screen.
The audience is silent, watching your every move.
>push green button
You push the green button.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>am i playing on easy mode? give me a hammer-on or something.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>can i play the halo theme song please?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>i fucking hate this game.
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>push yellow button
You push the yellow button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears pleased with your performance.
>they don’t seem pleased with yours.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>stops to scratch nose and misses red button
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>put down guitar
By carrying the guitar, you bear the burden of the expectations of literally dozens of people whom you’ve never seen before in your life, and will probably never see again. You can’t bring yourself to let them down.
A red circle slides down the screen.
>i can bring myself to let them down just fine. PUT DOWN GUITAR.
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>is the fucker glued to me or something? what the hell?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>pushes all the buttons at once
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>does not push the red button
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push red button
You push the red button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears content with your performance.
>can i play the drums instead?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>how about sing? can i sing?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>fine. push red button. again.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>i hate you.
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>PUSH RED BUTTON
You push the red button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
>PUSH BLUE BUTTON
You push the blue button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears happy with your performance.
>am i playing free bird? why is this song not over yet?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push red button
You push the red button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
>i just fucking pushed that one.
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>push red button
You push the red button.
A green circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears pleased with your performance.
>push red button
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>push red button
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A orange circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears satisfied with your performance.
>they must like shitty performances then.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push orange button
You push the orange button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
>gets a finger cramp from stretching to the orange button
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>i don’t care! my finger is cramping.
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>works through the pain and pushes the blue button.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>PUSH BLUE BUTTON
You push the blue button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears happy with your performance.
>push blue button
You push the blue button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
>push red button
You push the red button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears content with your performance.
>push blue button
You push the blue button.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>does this game ever end? i have to pee.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>PEE
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>POOP
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>what button am i supposed to push again?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>i’m pretty sure i’ve died and gone to hell.
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>pushes orange button
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push orange button
You push the orange button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A orange circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears entertained with your performance.
>push orange button
You push the orange button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
>push red button
You push the red button.
A green circle slides down the screen.
The audience is really getting into your performance.
>getting into my performance, eh? are there any hot guys in the audience?
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.
>the hot guy please
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>HOT GUY
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>goddamnit
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>will you just tell me i rock so i can be done with this please?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>fuck you. i’ll tell myself. i rock! there, i’m done.
I only understood you as far as wanting to fuck.
>holy shit. BEST. GAME. EVER.
Posted by Sarge Tomzilla on January 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm
You know what? I just have to try it now. And include some of those shenanigans, and record them :D
Posted by CrazedOne1988 on January 30, 2009 at 2:12 pm
There was this one program like this, but you could have a full on conversation with it. It did actually reply to what you said (to a degree). But i can’t remember what it’s called…..
Posted by Sarge Tomzilla on January 30, 2009 at 2:14 pm
An EDIT: ROFLMAO, this was the funniest damn part ever
>PUSH BLUE
You push the blue button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience is really appreciating your performance.
>fuck them, unless they wanna go back home with me
I only understood you as far as wanting to fuck.
>…you understood that? are you an AI? are you sentient?
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>goddamnit
Posted by DethPwn on January 30, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Push Submit Comment button
Posted by EXZA on January 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I failed.
Whoops.
Don’t press other buttons when trying to press the right ones.
“GET OFF THE STAGE”
>Get off stage
That is not a verb I recognize.
>quit
Posted by Mizzy on January 30, 2009 at 4:01 pm
@CrazedOne: they have bots on AIM that do the same thing. Is that what you’re thinking of?
Posted by soulofaqua on January 30, 2009 at 6:39 pm
XDDDD
Posted by solacerain on January 30, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Your utter failure to mimic a series of colored circles enrages the crowd, who storm the stage. Chaos ensues as someone grabs the guitar out of your hands and beats you over the head with it, knocking you unconscious. Your prone body is trampled to death by the enraged audience.
*** You have died ***
That takes GH to a whole new level, doesn’t it?
Posted by bs angel on January 30, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Wow, you died. In Guitar Hero. That takes talent!
Posted by Tentimook on January 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I win!
Your epic success at pressing colored buttons on a fake guitar throws the crowd into hysteric ecstasy; they proceed to storm the stage. Plastic axe held high in victory, you’re lifted from the ground onto the hands of your adoring fans and passed around the audience. The raucous cheering is deafening. So this is what it’s like to be a rock star.
*** You rock ***
Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, or QUIT?
Posted by Coyote 2JZ on January 31, 2009 at 2:07 am
>eat guitar
(first taking the guitar)
You pick up the guitar.
The crowd around you quiets down, an expectant hush settling over the room.
That’s plainly inedible.
—
Haha what? It’s inedible? dammit
Posted by Coyote 2JZ on January 31, 2009 at 2:09 am
haha this is great.
>wave guitar
You look ridiculous waving the guitar.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
The audience grumbles grumpily.
Posted by Queen 0f Blades on January 31, 2009 at 11:32 am
I had to re-read the ending for a second. I was like “wait a second, did that just say what I thought it said?”
Lol.
Posted by Zoom on January 31, 2009 at 2:43 pm
My favorite part:
“HOT GUY”
Posted by Asd1070 on January 31, 2009 at 7:41 pm
>push audience
That would be less than courteous.
The screen flickers to life, revealing a grid with five columns and colored circles falling down them. Music begins to blast from the speakers.
A red circle slides down the screen.
>hit audience
The crowd’s a bit out of reach, and anyway, they look a lot stronger than you. Plus, they far outnumber you, and you’re wielding a toy guitar. Better to stick to rocking.
A green circle slides down the screen.
Posted by Ragingterror on February 1, 2009 at 3:16 am
>smash guitar
Who do you think you are, Pete Townshend?
XD
Posted by harabek on February 1, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Cantina 24
Champion of Guitars
An Interactive Fiction by Bill Meltsner
Release 1 / Serial number 090126 / Inform 7 build 5J39 (I6/v6.31 lib 6/11N)
Cantina
The current management of this rather seedy venue doesn’t much care about appearances, apparently. Nonetheless, it’s become one of the hottest spots in the area, attracting surly alcoholics from all around. A variety of local acts, the vast majority unrelentingly terrible, play here every Tuesday night. Coincidentally, it’s Tuesday night.
A host of unsavory-looking people makes up your audience for the night. They’re all staring at you expectantly.
A fake plastic guitar lies on the ground in front of you.
Bolted to the wall is a television screen, dark and forboding.
>pick up guitar
You pick up the guitar.
The crowd around you quiets down, an expectant hush settling over the room.
>smash guitar
Who do you think you are, Pete Townshend?
The screen flickers to life, revealing a grid with five columns and colored circles falling down them. Music begins to blast from the speakers.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>fuck you i am pete townshend
I only understood you as far as wanting to fuck.
>I am the iron man
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>
I beg your pardon?
>exactly
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>yellow
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push your mom
You can’t see any such thing.
>why not
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push your dad
You can’t see any such thing.
>Push the crowd
That would be less than courteous.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>push yellow circle
You can’t see any such thing.
>wtf
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push yellow
You push the yellow button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
The audience is silent, watching your every move.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
A green circle slides down the screen.
>push green
You push the green button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
The audience is silent, watching your every move.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>push yellow
You push the yellow button.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears pleased with your performance.
>push red
You push the red button.
A orange circle slides down the screen.
>push pussy
You can’t see any such thing.
>fuck
This may be a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but you’re officially playing an all-ages show, so tone the obscenity down a bit.
A green circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears content with your performance.
>ok
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>shit
This may be a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but you’re officially playing an all-ages show, so tone the obscenity down a bit.
A green circle slides down the screen.
>push green
You push the green button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
The audience appears satisfied with your performance.
>push yellow
You push the yellow button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
>push black
You can’t see any such thing.
>push red
You push the red button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience is silent, watching your every move.
>push red
You push the red button.
A green circle slides down the screen.
>push green
You push the green button.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
The audience is silent, watching your every move.
>i hate this game
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>inventory
You are carrying:
a guitar
A blue circle slides down the screen.
>gun
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push gun
You can’t see any such thing.
>smash guitar
Who do you think you are, Pete Townshend?
A orange circle slides down the screen.
The audience is silent, watching your every move.
>gay
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>this game is stupid
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>your not fkdasj
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A orange circle slides down the screen.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A red circle slides down the screen.
The audience growls annoyedly.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>push ble
You can’t see any such thing.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
Someone in the audience shouts, “Play a real instrument, nerd!”.
>hey FUCK YOU
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A yellow circle slides down the screen.
>push blue
You push the blue button.
The screen emits an unpleasant noise.
A blue circle slides down the screen.
Your utter failure to mimic a series of colored circles enrages the crowd, who storm the stage. Chaos ensues as someone grabs the guitar out of your hands and beats you over the head with it, knocking you unconscious. Your prone body is trampled to death by the enraged audience.
*** You have died ***
Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, or QUIT?
> fuck
Posted by Maniacxxl on February 1, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I have this app on my iphone called amy a.i. It does basically the same thing minus the wanting to fuck…
Posted by Ragingterror on February 25, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Decided to have a little more fun with this…
>Eat me
(first taking yourself)
You are always self-possessed.
>Eat me out
I only understood you as far as wanting to eat yourself.
Wait… what?
Posted by bs angel on February 25, 2009 at 11:06 pm
LOL, … way to eat yourself Ragingterror, ya weirdo! ;)
Posted by TK129 on October 29, 2009 at 12:46 pm
>pick up gutair
You can’t see any such thing.
>yeah i can
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>PICK UP GUTAIR
You can’t see any such thing.
>pick up fake plastic gutair?
You can’t see any such thing.
>you said it’s right in frony of me!
That’s not a verb I recognize.
>look at gutair
You can’t see any such thing.
>what, have i got neck cramp?
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.
>yeah, whoever built this game
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.
>i just said
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>take inventory, i thought you’re ment to accept PROPPER ENGLISh
You are carrying nothing.
I only understood you as far as wanting to take inventory.
>OH fuck off
That’s not a verb I recognize
Posted by bs angel on October 29, 2009 at 1:13 pm
LOL! It’s a fun little game, isn’t it?!