The XNA Community Games program (which gives participating members the opportunity to share, peer review, download and play community-made games) sometimes surprises us with entertainingly clever creations. Other times it just wants to take our Xbox 360 controllers and turn them into vibrating massagers. The goal of one of their latest offerings, appropriately titled Rumble Massage, is to “put a controller behind your neck and feel the soothing vibrations of the Xbox 360 controller.” The soothing vibrations are certainly going somewhere, but I don’t think it’s behind your neck. While thinking about this “game” has me positively quivering in excitement, here are seven reasons why you should not fork over $2.50 for this revolutionary title. And before you ask, the “I already have a vibrator” one is a given.
This is not the first game to incorporate riveting vibrations into actual gameplay; it’s just one of the stripped-down versions to not offer any other features with it. If you want to get it on with your controller, Rez HD is a much better option. Hell, you can even get the job done while playing Halo. Why do you think I continuously fire for minutes at a time when I’m in the warthog turret?
Sticky buttons have been a long-standing issue for as long as video controllers have been around. Why somebody would purposely complicate things by adding their own glutinous fluid to the mix is beyond me. Remember what they say: Epic Mode is sure to bring an Epic Load. And that shit should be kept far, far away from your gaming peripherals.
We all buff the box on the not so rare occasion, but we also need a healthy regular dose of multiplayer action as well. This game allows for one player only and does not even have Xbox Live Vision support. So much for making the most out of your Gold subscription. It’s really a shame because you play so well with others too.
Say you did decide to unwind with this game after a particularly strenuous session of Halo. “Oh look, there’s {insert your gamertag here} playing Rumble Massage again. Isn’t that the fourth night in a row she’s played that game?! No wonder she’s burning through those batteries so quickly. Hopefully she’s at least cuddling with the controller afterwards!” Cuddling? Not so much. Disinfecting? Absolutely.
Buying secondhand products is a smart way to save money, especially during these economically challenging times. After knowing where your controller has been however, you will never buy a used controller again. It’s like watching in horror as someone licks your controller, only so much worse. Or better depending. Here, lick my controller! It tastes gooooooood.
Last time I checked, Xbox 360 accessories are not waterproof so getting your controller wet could possibly cause it to short out. I know when I am on the self-guided tuna boat tour, the weather forecast always includes an impending flood. And for once in my life, I am not talking about Halo. As much as you may enjoy the random appearance of the shocker, I don’t think you actually want to get shocked as well.
XNA community games do not offer achievements so regardless of how much time you spend on this particular game, there will be no point padding to your ever-growing gamerscore. No 10 points for dialing “O” on the little pink telephone. No 20 points for tickling the taco. No 50 points for frosting the muffin of love. Call me jaded but I don’t consider that a happy ending.
*A special thank you to xmiyux, who obviously knows what kind of games float my boat, for the tip!
Posted by LordOsiris on January 29, 2009 at 2:36 am
Um…yay?
I am somewhere between aroused and disgusted.
Posted by ResilientMonkey on January 29, 2009 at 3:19 am
They should just call it “Orgasmatron” and get it over with ;)
Posted by DocMan on January 29, 2009 at 3:36 am
This post reminds me of the Vagina Hero joke a few months ago. Pretty funny!
Posted by soulofaqua on January 29, 2009 at 5:19 am
Unfortunately not available for europeans with a european account. hur fing ray. Not that I really needed it. I mean, I got Rez HD already! >w<
Posted by DethPwn on January 29, 2009 at 5:52 am
I thought the Bra Controller was bad…
Posted by DethPwn on January 29, 2009 at 5:55 am
… I just may purchase this… a-as a joke… yeah… a joke….
Posted by Penguin Ninjoid on January 29, 2009 at 6:39 am
I’m with Lord Osiris on this one.
Posted by xmiyux on January 29, 2009 at 7:11 am
Glad to see appreciate for community games. Is this what they call emergent gaming? :lol:
Posted by xmiyux on January 29, 2009 at 7:12 am
I’m also glad to see my lack of English skills. Appreciate -> appreciation
Posted by dnefpooz on January 29, 2009 at 8:14 am
Afterward you could start up the community game that is nothing more than an animated fireplace backdrop and cuddle with the controller.
The free trial of the fireplace “game” is exactly the same as the full 400 point version, except is says “Press A to buy full version” on the bottom of the screen.
Posted by EXZA on January 29, 2009 at 9:27 am
O_O
WHAT!
Hrm… Can I buy a washable, waterproof cover for my 360 controller now like the one for the REZ trance vibe?
Did a Japanese guy make this?
Posted by EXZA on January 29, 2009 at 9:31 am
Great, mind in the gutter now.
Will online mode be available in the future?
LOL
Posted by Mike on January 29, 2009 at 10:22 am
okay, im a little confused
are these supposed to be jokes are legitimate ideas?
visioncam + xboxlive support – status visible to other players = genius
this would be great for a gf who lives far away and plays video games
all i need is for her to move far away
and to have an xbox
and to exist
Posted by snorkle256 on January 29, 2009 at 10:27 am
I suppose you could put the wireless controller into a zip lock back, right?
………….
right?
Posted by Kato on January 29, 2009 at 10:47 am
Would you make an exception if it was the Master Chief controller?
Posted by frogged on January 29, 2009 at 10:53 am
Haha! It takes some creativity to thnk someone would buy this.
Posted by the Light Show on January 29, 2009 at 10:58 am
controller condom anyone???
Posted by 2Three on January 29, 2009 at 11:05 am
“self-guided tuna boat tour”
Classy ;)
Posted by John Killer118 on January 29, 2009 at 11:25 am
Wait, a game about a vibrating controller?
XNA, you fail.
The vibrator bit was inevitable as soon as I saw the title. lol
Posted by bs angel on January 29, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Sometimes you know the terrain so well that it’s the quickest way to get from Point A to Point B. ;)
Posted by Queen 0f Blades on January 29, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Well, I’d say too much information, but I think we’re all beyond that point now. XD
Posted by MK28 on January 29, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Is anybody going to pay homage to the N64 Rumble pack? Because it took me like a week to realise that when my friend held the pad against his groin and said:
“Shoot me, Jack!”
I was actually helping my Satanic opponent actually achieve his climactic goal! Beat that philosophy!
Actually don’t, it gets kind of messy… the perineum has a level of elasticity with its production that I’d rather remain ignorant to.
Ow, I feel almost Jewish in my prudence and vulgar in not taking a monetary advantage of…
Woody Allen’ism: accomplished?
Posted by SonofMacPhisto on January 29, 2009 at 4:38 pm
This is a good article to annouce a sweeping proposal for Halo 3 Matchmaking.
Rename the ‘Multiteam’ playist to ‘Swingers.’ I mean c’mon, four couples playing King of the Hill? Is there really any argument here?
I’ve already started to call it that. Why don’t you?
Posted by SonOfKitFisto?!?!?!? on January 30, 2009 at 5:45 pm
i bought this today… just bc i read the article… its epic…and worth it…. once i get a gf watch the f-ing notebook with her then turn on rumble massage and some classic barry or journey XD
Posted by Zach on February 5, 2009 at 8:33 pm
wow, this may be one step too far even for you