Seven Reasons Why You Should Not Buy Rumble Massage

rumble massage

The XNA Community Games program (which gives participating members the opportunity to share, peer review, download, and play community-made games) sometimes surprises us with entertainingly clever creations. Other times it just wants to take our Xbox 360 controllers and turn them into vibrating massagers. The goal of one of their more recent offerings, appropriately titled Rumble Massage, is to “put a controller behind your neck and feel the soothing vibrations of the Xbox 360 controller.” The soothing vibrations are certainly going somewhere, but I don’t think it’s behind your neck. While thinking about this “game” has me positively quivering in excitement, here are seven reasons why you should not fork over $2.50 for this revolutionary title. And before you ask, the “I already have a vibrator” one is a given.

other games do it better

This is not the first game to incorporate riveting vibrations into actual gameplay; it’s just one of the stripped-down versions to not offer any other features with it. If you want to get it on with your controller, Rez HD is a much better option. Hell, you can even get the job done while playing Halo. Why do you think I continuously fire for minutes at a time when I’m in the warthog turret?

sticky buttons

Sticky buttons have  been a long-standing issue for as long as video controllers have been around. Why somebody would purposely complicate things by adding their own glutinous fluid to the mix is beyond me. Remember what they say: Epic Mode is sure to bring an Epic Load. And that shit should be kept far, far away from your gaming peripherals.

1

We all buff the box on the not so rare occasion, but we also need a healthy regular dose of multiplayer action as well. This game allows for one player only and does not even have Xbox Live Vision support. So much for making the most out of your Gold subscription. It’s really a shame because you play so well with others too.

online status

Say you did decide to unwind with this game after a particularly strenuous session of Halo. “Oh look, there’s {insert your gamertag here} playing Rumble Massage again. Isn’t that the fourth night in a row she’s played that game?! No wonder she’s burning through those batteries so quickly. Hopefully she’s at least cuddling with the controller afterwards!” Cuddling? Not so much. Disinfecting? Absolutely.

forget secondhand controllers

Buying secondhand products is a smart way to save money, especially during these economically challenging times. After knowing where your controller has been however, you will never buy a used controller again. It’s like watching in horror as someone licks your controller, only so much worse. Or better depending. Here, lick my controller! It tastes gooooooood.

it's not waterproof

Last time I checked, Xbox 360 accessories are not waterproof so getting your controller wet could possibly cause it to short out. I know when I am on the self-guided tuna boat tour, the weather forecast always includes an impending flood. And for once in my life, I am not talking about Halo. As much as you may enjoy the random appearance of the shocker, I don’t think you actually want to get shocked as well.

no achievements

XNA community games do not offer achievements so regardless of how much time you spend on this particular game, there will be no point padding to your ever-growing gamerscore. No 10 points for dialing “O” on the little pink telephone. No 20 points for tickling the taco. No 50 points for frosting the muffin of love. Call me jaded but I don’t consider that a happy ending.

*A special thank you to xmiyux, who obviously knows what kind of games float my boat, for the tip!

25 Responses to Seven Reasons Why You Should Not Buy Rumble Massage

  1. LordOsiris says:

    Um…yay?
    I am somewhere between aroused and disgusted.

  2. They should just call it “Orgasmatron” and get it over with ;)

  3. DocMan says:

    This post reminds me of the Vagina Hero joke a few months ago. Pretty funny!

  4. soulofaqua says:

    Unfortunately not available for europeans with a european account. hur fing ray. Not that I really needed it. I mean, I got Rez HD already! >w<

  5. DethPwn says:

    I thought the Bra Controller was bad…

  6. DethPwn says:

    … I just may purchase this… a-as a joke… yeah… a joke….

  7. Penguin Ninjoid says:

    I’m with Lord Osiris on this one.

  8. xmiyux says:

    Glad to see appreciate for community games. Is this what they call emergent gaming? :lol:

  9. xmiyux says:

    I’m also glad to see my lack of English skills. Appreciate -> appreciation

  10. dnefpooz says:

    Afterward you could start up the community game that is nothing more than an animated fireplace backdrop and cuddle with the controller.

    The free trial of the fireplace “game” is exactly the same as the full 400 point version, except is says “Press A to buy full version” on the bottom of the screen.

  11. EXZA says:

    O_O
    WHAT!

    Hrm… Can I buy a washable, waterproof cover for my 360 controller now like the one for the REZ trance vibe?

    Did a Japanese guy make this?

  12. EXZA says:

    Great, mind in the gutter now.

    Will online mode be available in the future?
    LOL

  13. Mike says:

    okay, im a little confused

    are these supposed to be jokes are legitimate ideas?

    visioncam + xboxlive support – status visible to other players = genius

    this would be great for a gf who lives far away and plays video games

    all i need is for her to move far away
    and to have an xbox
    and to exist

  14. snorkle256 says:

    I suppose you could put the wireless controller into a zip lock back, right?

    ………….

    right?

  15. Kato says:

    Would you make an exception if it was the Master Chief controller?

  16. frogged says:

    Haha! It takes some creativity to thnk someone would buy this.

  17. controller condom anyone???

  18. 2Three says:

    “self-guided tuna boat tour”

    Classy ;)

  19. John Killer118 says:

    Wait, a game about a vibrating controller?
    XNA, you fail.

    The vibrator bit was inevitable as soon as I saw the title. lol

  20. bs angel says:

    “self-guided tuna boat tour”

    Classy ;)

    Sometimes you know the terrain so well that it’s the quickest way to get from Point A to Point B. ;)

  21. Well, I’d say too much information, but I think we’re all beyond that point now. XD

  22. MK28 says:

    Is anybody going to pay homage to the N64 Rumble pack? Because it took me like a week to realise that when my friend held the pad against his groin and said:
    “Shoot me, Jack!”
    I was actually helping my Satanic opponent actually achieve his climactic goal! Beat that philosophy!
    Actually don’t, it gets kind of messy… the perineum has a level of elasticity with its production that I’d rather remain ignorant to.
    Ow, I feel almost Jewish in my prudence and vulgar in not taking a monetary advantage of…

    Woody Allen’ism: accomplished?

  23. SonofMacPhisto says:

    This is a good article to annouce a sweeping proposal for Halo 3 Matchmaking.

    Rename the ‘Multiteam’ playist to ‘Swingers.’ I mean c’mon, four couples playing King of the Hill? Is there really any argument here?

    I’ve already started to call it that. Why don’t you?

  24. SonOfKitFisto?!?!?!? says:

    i bought this today… just bc i read the article… its epic…and worth it…. once i get a gf watch the f-ing notebook with her then turn on rumble massage and some classic barry or journey XD

  25. Zach says:

    wow, this may be one step too far even for you

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