Ten Signs of a Troubled Halo Relationship

Unfortunately the pattern is all too familiar. One moment the two of you are playfully frolicking in the sun-warmed water on High Ground but the next moment finds you “accidentally” sticking plasma grenades on each other’s backs. As previously blissful Halo relationships sometimes take a turn for the worse, here are some tell tale signs your Double Team partner is about to go Lone Wolves.

In the earlier stages of your relationship, your partner would teabag you at absolutely any given opportunity. Whether it was a custom game or matchmaking, if you died in his general vicinity you knew he would take the time to dip his testicles ever so gently upon your face. Now he just runs over your lifeless body to pick up your leftover ammo.

While he used to go through the shield doors before you in a valiant effort to make sure things were adequately safe on the other side, now he routinely makes you go first. That shotgun to the face he used to be willing to take for you? Now he expects you to take it for him instead.

You’re playing on Last Resort when you get sniped from across the map. Fortunately it was only a body shot so you are still alive. Unfortunately you are on the beach with no cover in sight. Your other half has a bubble shield but his shields are still intact so he doesn’t drop it. As you get hit with that fatal second shot, you fondly remember the days when he used to chivalrously use his power-up to save you.

In the past a stunningly beautiful pink Spartan would casually stroll by and your partner would not even give her a second glance. Now any time he sees a mauve, salmon, coral, peach, pale yellow, orchid, violet, lavender, crimson, or ruby wine colored player, he practically breaks his neck attempting to check them out. A female death cry will also get him moving quicker than you can say, “99% of them are male”.

You switch your shoulder pieces from CQB to Hayabusa. You wait for him to complement the glaringly obvious change but he doesn’t even notice. Modifying your avatar also goes unrecognized, as does altering your secondary color. The only thing that will get his attention at this point is sporting a removable chest plate.

When you first met him, many afternoons were spent exploring the luscious rolling hills of Valhalla on a two seated mongoose. Now when given the choice, he always opts to take the more roomy warthog. To make matters worse he frequently asks your friend to man his turret, a duty previously reserved just for you.

In happier days he used to pick up the sniper rifle so he could gaze upon your flatteringly form-fitting MJOLNIR armor from afar. He even used to use the sickeningly sweet line that he couldn’t take his eyes off you because there was something wrong with his auto-aim. Now when he picks up the sniper rifle, he actually snipes. Or at least tries to.

During the always enjoyable 3 Ball, your partner used to allow only you hold the balls; he always insisted on protecting you as long as he could so you could score maximum time with those fantastical spheres of joy. Now he’s indiscriminate and lets anybody hold them. The more the merrier apparently.

You two have a variety of strategies you regularly employ, one of them being him grabbing the invisibility and the two of you making an offensive play together. You used to keep the other team distracted while he would go after the objective. Now when he grabs the invisi, he goes off on his own and you don’t see him again until the game is over. You’ve thought about saving the films to see what he is doing, but you are convinced you don’t want to know.

You know what’s coming next. It’s called Lone Wolves. On Isolation. Sad face.