After a study of nearly 200 Dutch men found that those suffering from premature ejaculation had a version of a gene that controls the hormone serotonin, Paula Hall (a sexual psychotherapist for Relate) pointed out, “These men have very quick reflexes. They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example.” Gizmodo ran a blurb about the findings titled Scientists Find Gene That Makes You Good at Halo Also Makes You a Premature Ejaculator that quickly put avid gamers on the defense. Just because you are a Halo superstar does not mean you are necessarily doomed in bed. In fact, the very same skills you use on the virtual battlefield can also help your prowess in the bedroom. Fret not, my fast fingered friends for all hope is not lost. With just a few tips, you can learn to impress the ladies with both of your deliciously long barrels.
Practice
You weren’t an expert at Halo the second you picked up the game. It took days, even weeks, dedicated solely to getting to know the assortment of weapons, learning your way around the numerous maps, figuring out the multiple spawn points, and discovering all the finer details that made you the expert player you are today. The bedroom is no different from that. Take the time to master the skills by yourself until you are confident in your own abilities. Then you can begin the search for that special double team partner. Or triple team depending on how you roll.
Be a team player
Just because you have the highest kills in the game doesn’t mean you are the most valuable player. The best teammate is the one who can support the overall objective and see the bigger picture beyond just himself. While it’s great if you are having a fabulous time, is your partner enjoying herself just as much? Nobody likes a selfish teammate. Make sure you are arming her bomb before you let yours explode.
Be vocal
The success of a team is often directly proportional to how well they work together, and part of working together is having a strong leader. Just as you shouldn’t be afraid to lead the team on the virtual battlefield, you shouldn’t fear letting your wishes known with your partner either. If you want something, the easiest route to getting it is just asking for it. Beating around the bush doesn’t do a whole lot of good, both figuratively and literally. If your long barrel needs polishing, make that known. Just make sure you spend some time in her hill as well.
Change it up
When playing Halo, it is important to change up your game on a regular basis. If you’re playing defense, you don’t want to camp the same base entrance for too long. If you’re sniping, you don’t want to stay behind the same rock for the entirety of the game. You need to rotate your strategies to keep your opponents on their toes. Doing the same thing in the bedroom will yield the same amazing results. Variety is the spice of life so switch up positions. Do it on a different map. Enter the base through a different door. She’ll thank you afterwards. Assuming she doesn’t kill you first.
Stay positive
One of the most important aspects of team play is being supportive of your fellow teammates. If somebody has an awesome headshot, tell them. If their performance blew your mind, tell them. If they captured the flag like it hasn’t been captured before, tell them. Saying positive things only encourages and reinforces the behavior you would like to see again. So later when she’s handling your oddballs like an expert, make sure you let her know. Maybe she’ll be so excited by your praise that she’ll let you unlock the Came… From… Behind achievement later too.
After all is said and done, the most important thing to remember is that if you can give her six hours on the virtual battlefield, she’s not going to want six hours in the bedroom anyways. Just do a quickie and get it over with so you can get back to the gaming. That’s all we really want anyways. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a territory that needs capturing. Where is my multiteam partner when I need him?
*I would like to dedicate this to Captain Spark who give me the inspiration for this article by saying, “Don’t let Hawty McBloggy see this.” Don’t worry, I won’t tell her if you don’t!
Posted by DeepCee on October 15, 2008 at 3:08 am
Once again you are entertained but also learn something :)
Posted by Skibur on October 15, 2008 at 4:11 am
bs angel, you never cease to amaze. ;)
Posted by Das Kalk on October 15, 2008 at 4:29 am
YAY! I’m not a freak! hahaha
Just Kidding
Posted by mendicantbias00 on October 15, 2008 at 4:50 am
“After all is said and done, the most important thing to remember is that if you can give her six hours on the virtual battlefield, she’s not going to want six hours in the bedroom anyways”
O rly?
:D
Posted by Drag0n D214 on October 15, 2008 at 4:52 am
LOL GOING TO USE THIS ONE DAY
Posted by Drag0n D214 on October 15, 2008 at 4:53 am
they should make a book like this for all halo gamer ‘Halo the “undercover” tips’
Posted by Rhamsey on October 15, 2008 at 6:00 am
“Enter the base through a different door. She’ll thank you afterwards. Assuming she doesn’t kill you first.”
LMAO
Posted by nyhitman0401 on October 15, 2008 at 6:14 am
No!!! Make the book name “Halo Pickup Lines”
Posted by XMixMasterX on October 15, 2008 at 6:42 am
OMG
Great stuff. Hilariousness as usual.
Posted by Captain Spark on October 15, 2008 at 6:47 am
Wow, I need a cigarette and a nap after reading that article :) And I inspired it too!
Posted by -S- on October 15, 2008 at 7:41 am
Huh…..welllll this explains everything
Posted by Ray on October 15, 2008 at 7:59 am
That was hilarious and full of win! =D
Posted by Morpheus on October 15, 2008 at 8:19 am
I know a lot of premature ejaculators are finding this information very helpful…
Posted by RC Master on October 15, 2008 at 8:23 am
“Enter the base through a different door”
Thats so unbelieveably dirty. I’m not going to be able to use that phrase ever again without bursting out laughing.
Another great post though angel!
Posted by CrazedOne1988 on October 15, 2008 at 8:55 am
I’ll keep these in mind next time I need them.
Posted by the Light Show on October 15, 2008 at 8:59 am
wicked sweet angel. you did a good job on this post…
how am i doing? ;-)
Posted by alakai on October 15, 2008 at 9:20 am
Yay! For once I can finally justify my weak Halo skillz. ;)
Posted by Rift on October 15, 2008 at 9:58 am
How come all of this is old new to me? (bow-chika-bow-baooow!)
Posted by SonofMacPhisto on October 15, 2008 at 10:10 am
Huh, that was both funny, and full of some really good advice. Well done angel, I’m impressed. :D
Posted by Shishka on October 15, 2008 at 10:32 am
“Just because you are a Halo superstar does not mean you are necessarily doomed in bed.”
Doomed? No ma’am. It means that guys that play Halo are efficient. The headache excuse doesn’t fly when all that’s needed is a second or two of your time!
Shishka
Bungie Studios Damage and Spin
CreationControlPosted by Matoro3311 on October 15, 2008 at 10:33 am
Funny and reliable. :P
~Matoro3311
Posted by Handmade Hero on October 15, 2008 at 10:35 am
“If your long barrel needs polishing, make that known. Just make sure you spend some time in her hill as well.”
“Maybe she’ll be so excited by your praise that she’ll let you unlock the Came… From… Behind achievement.”
best.quotes.ever. ;)
I’m gonna go listen to Barry White now
Posted by bs angel on October 15, 2008 at 10:56 am
You are preaching to the choir Shishka. Start in postgame and be done before the next game loads please. I’m not losing the race to laser because you can’t seal the deal on time! ;)
Posted by Kato on October 15, 2008 at 11:46 am
I’m terrible at Halo and in bed, so where does that put me?
Posted by dnefpooz on October 15, 2008 at 11:46 am
I’ve been keeping a running total of sexual posts/titles….I think this can go in as two.
Posted by Mace Windex on October 15, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Two words: Gravity Hammer
Posted by Gilver on October 15, 2008 at 1:54 pm
…wow….double-entendres abound…
Though many I wouldn’t know about….After I’m married, I’ll come back here and we’ll all exchange winks. :)
heh heh heh
Posted by WolfSarge on October 15, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I SUCK AT HALO! My reaction time is terrible! Hence, I must be a great lover!!
Posted by the Light Show on October 15, 2008 at 2:29 pm
@ Kato
There’s a word that used for situations such as yours: n00b
jk bro ;-)
Posted by Sarge Tomzilla on October 15, 2008 at 2:29 pm
ROFL, good thing I wasn’t reading this in the hallway at college and waited ’till I got home. I’m still laughing :P
Posted by Fezzer on October 15, 2008 at 3:35 pm
…..
You have quite the talent in vividly describing things through the language of Halo.
Awesome stuff. Another one for the wife to read I think….
Posted by setters on October 15, 2008 at 4:23 pm
lol !!
Posted by buttmonkies on October 15, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I always wondered why it was over before I could get my pants unzipped. Damn you halo!
Posted by MR Jones93 sk8 on October 15, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I loved this! How many times do I need to tell you that you never fail to make me laugh? :)
Posted by Kato on October 16, 2008 at 9:21 am
@ the Light Show
It’s true. I’m never sure what goes where of how I’m supposed to score. Don’t even get me started on dual-wielding…
Posted by bs angel on October 16, 2008 at 9:29 am
LOL, … poor Kato. Or actually, poor Kato’s girlfriend!!
Posted by the Light Show on October 16, 2008 at 10:18 am
idk about you angel, but i think that it’s indeed poor Kato. he sucks at Halo remember? screw the girlfriend ;-) she can fend for herself. dude, you need to spend less time with her and more time improving your game! lol
Posted by Hugh on October 16, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Goddammit, I love you. :D
Posted by MR HAT3ER on July 16, 2009 at 9:12 am
Sex Ed: Halo Edition