Spend Some Time in My Hill
October 15, 2008 39 Comments
After a study of nearly 200 Dutch men found that those suffering from premature ejaculation had a version of a gene that controls the hormone serotonin, Paula Hall (a sexual psychotherapist for Relate) pointed out, “These men have very quick reflexes. They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example.” Gizmodo ran a blurb about the findings titled Scientists Find Gene That Makes You Good at Halo Also Makes You a Premature Ejaculator that quickly put avid gamers on the defense. Just because you are a Halo superstar does not mean you are necessarily doomed in bed. In fact, the very same skills you use on the virtual battlefield can also help your prowess in the bedroom. Fret not, my fast fingered friends for all hope is not lost. With just a few tips, you can learn to impress the ladies with both of your deliciously long barrels.
Practice
You weren’t an expert at Halo the second you picked up the game. It took days, even weeks, dedicated solely to getting to know the assortment of weapons, learning your way around the numerous maps, figuring out the multiple spawn points, and discovering all the finer details that made you the expert player you are today. The bedroom is no different from that. Take the time to master the skills by yourself until you are confident in your own abilities. Then you can begin the search for that special double team partner. Or triple team depending on how you roll.
Be a team player
Just because you have the highest kills in the game doesn’t mean you are the most valuable player. The best teammate is the one who can support the overall objective and see the bigger picture beyond just himself. While it’s great if you are having a fabulous time, is your partner enjoying herself just as much? Nobody likes a selfish teammate. Make sure you are arming her bomb before you let yours explode.
Be vocal
The success of a team is often directly proportional to how well they work together, and part of working together is having a strong leader. Just as you shouldn’t be afraid to lead the team on the virtual battlefield, you shouldn’t fear letting your wishes known with your partner either. If you want something, the easiest route to getting it is just asking for it. Beating around the bush doesn’t do a whole lot of good, both figuratively and literally. If your long barrel needs polishing, make that known. Just make sure you spend some time in her hill as well.
Change it up
When playing Halo, it is important to change up your game on a regular basis. If you’re playing defense, you don’t want to camp the same base entrance for too long. If you’re sniping, you don’t want to stay behind the same rock for the entirety of the game. You need to rotate your strategies to keep your opponents on their toes. Doing the same thing in the bedroom will yield the same amazing results. Variety is the spice of life so switch up positions. Do it on a different map. Enter the base through a different door. She’ll thank you afterwards. Assuming she doesn’t kill you first.
Stay positive
One of the most important aspects of team play is being supportive of your fellow teammates. If somebody has an awesome headshot, tell them. If their performance blew your mind, tell them. If they captured the flag like it hasn’t been captured before, tell them. Saying positive things only encourages and reinforces the behavior you would like to see again. So later when she’s handling your oddballs like an expert, make sure you let her know. Maybe she’ll be so excited by your praise that she’ll let you unlock the Came… From… Behind achievement later too.
After all is said and done, the most important thing to remember is that if you can give her six hours on the virtual battlefield, she’s not going to want six hours in the bedroom anyways. Just do a quickie and get it over with so you can get back to the gaming. That’s all we really want anyways. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a territory that needs capturing. Where is my multiteam partner when I need him?
*I would like to dedicate this to Captain Spark who give me the inspiration for this article by saying, “Don’t let Hawty McBloggy see this.” Don’t worry, I won’t tell her if you don’t!
Once again you are entertained but also learn something :)
bs angel, you never cease to amaze. ;)
YAY! I’m not a freak! hahaha
Just Kidding
“After all is said and done, the most important thing to remember is that if you can give her six hours on the virtual battlefield, she’s not going to want six hours in the bedroom anyways”
O rly?
:D
LOL GOING TO USE THIS ONE DAY
they should make a book like this for all halo gamer ‘Halo the “undercover” tips’
“Enter the base through a different door. She’ll thank you afterwards. Assuming she doesn’t kill you first.”
LMAO
No!!! Make the book name “Halo Pickup Lines”
OMG
Great stuff. Hilariousness as usual.
Wow, I need a cigarette and a nap after reading that article :) And I inspired it too!
Huh…..welllll this explains everything
That was hilarious and full of win! =D
I know a lot of premature ejaculators are finding this information very helpful…
“Enter the base through a different door”
Thats so unbelieveably dirty. I’m not going to be able to use that phrase ever again without bursting out laughing.
Another great post though angel!
I’ll keep these in mind next time I need them.
wicked sweet angel. you did a good job on this post…
how am i doing? ;-)
Yay! For once I can finally justify my weak Halo skillz. ;)
How come all of this is old new to me? (bow-chika-bow-baooow!)
Huh, that was both funny, and full of some really good advice. Well done angel, I’m impressed. :D
“Just because you are a Halo superstar does not mean you are necessarily doomed in bed.”
Doomed? No ma’am. It means that guys that play Halo are efficient. The headache excuse doesn’t fly when all that’s needed is a second or two of your time!
Shishka
Bungie Studios Damage and Spin
CreationControlFunny and reliable. :P
~Matoro3311
“If your long barrel needs polishing, make that known. Just make sure you spend some time in her hill as well.”
“Maybe she’ll be so excited by your praise that she’ll let you unlock the Came… From… Behind achievement.”
best.quotes.ever. ;)
I’m gonna go listen to Barry White now
You are preaching to the choir Shishka. Start in postgame and be done before the next game loads please. I’m not losing the race to laser because you can’t seal the deal on time! ;)
I’m terrible at Halo and in bed, so where does that put me?
I’ve been keeping a running total of sexual posts/titles….I think this can go in as two.
Two words: Gravity Hammer
…wow….double-entendres abound…
Though many I wouldn’t know about….After I’m married, I’ll come back here and we’ll all exchange winks. :)
heh heh heh
I SUCK AT HALO! My reaction time is terrible! Hence, I must be a great lover!!
@ Kato
There’s a word that used for situations such as yours: n00b
jk bro ;-)
ROFL, good thing I wasn’t reading this in the hallway at college and waited ’till I got home. I’m still laughing :P
…..
You have quite the talent in vividly describing things through the language of Halo.
Awesome stuff. Another one for the wife to read I think….
lol !!
I always wondered why it was over before I could get my pants unzipped. Damn you halo!
I loved this! How many times do I need to tell you that you never fail to make me laugh? :)
@ the Light Show
It’s true. I’m never sure what goes where of how I’m supposed to score. Don’t even get me started on dual-wielding…
LOL, … poor Kato. Or actually, poor Kato’s girlfriend!!
idk about you angel, but i think that it’s indeed poor Kato. he sucks at Halo remember? screw the girlfriend ;-) she can fend for herself. dude, you need to spend less time with her and more time improving your game! lol
Goddammit, I love you. :D
Sex Ed: Halo Edition