HPTBTSOOM: The Inept Warthog Driver

HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.

The game starts. Someone hops into the driver’s seat of the warthog and quickly calls for a gunner. You spawned closest so you hop in, ready for a ruthless rampage. Until you discover you got stuck with The Inept Warthog Driver that is.

The Inept Warthog Driver is not the person that flips the hog every time they run over a dainty dandelion or a tiny pebble. Oh no, that person is called the You Think This Is Bad You Should See Me In A Mongoose Driver. The Inept Warthog Driver is also not the person that speeds headfirst into the instantly recognizable bright red beam of complete and utter destruction. That particular person is the Why Did Nobody Tell Me They Had the Laser Driver. The Inept Warthog Driver is the teammate that deftly zips around the map, skillful enough to dodge enemy fire, smart enough to seek cover when his gunner’s shields are down, but seemingly unwilling to let his gunner get a single kill.

You start your first run and an opponent quickly comes into view. As soon as they are in range, you start peppering him with your turret fire. The second you see the telltale shimmer of his shields being down, your driver takes you over the crest of a hill and just out of sight of your almost dead opponent. “Go back, I almost had him!”, you shout but he doesn’t seem to hear your request because he continues upon his merry way. You have got to be kidding, right? Nope, because ten seconds later the same exact thing happens. You almost have a kill but then he speeds off around the corner of the base. Or through the wheel. Or behind the generators. Or just past the curve. Or through the mancannon. Or off somewhere, anywhere that leaves you unable to finish your kill. Because apparently that is just how he rolls. Freakin’ won’t let me get a kill because he can’t drive worth shit asshole.