HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.
Matchmaking is searching for the perfect match for your party. An opposing team gets locked in, and you impatiently wait to find out what you will be playing next. A map pops up that happens to have a Spartan Laser on it and a shrill voice suddenly shrieks, “I want the laser!”. Yup, welcome to yet another game with The Asinine Weapon Caller.
The Asinine Weapon Caller is not the person who spawns closest to the power weapon and kindly lets his team know that he is going to pick it up. That person is referred to as The I Spawned Closest And I Am Fairly Decent With It So I Will Pick It Up For This Round Team Player. The Asinine Weapon Caller is also not the person who is so unbelievably skilled with it that having it in his hands guarantees certain victory. That Person has earned his name of The I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off Player. The Asinine Weapon Caller is the pompous asshole that calls a power weapon before the game even starts yet can’t do a damn thing with it.
The game has not loaded but The Asinine Weapon Caller has made it clear that he wants the laser. Of course when the game actually starts he spawns farthest from it. Of course he repeatedly shouts for nobody else to touch it. Of course everybody actually listens, just to get the ear-piercing yelps to stop for two blissful seconds. So The Asinine Weapon Caller slowly makes his way to the Spartan Laser. By the time he gets it, the other team has a multitude of vehicles on the ground and in the air. He shoots at the banshee. He misses. He shoots at the warthog. He misses. He shoots at the mongoose. Guess what? He misses. Then he gets splattered, of course without a single kill to his name. The shrieking returns to the airwaves for ten incredibly long seconds with The Asinine Weapon Caller desperately yelling, “Don’t pick up the laser! I’ll get it when I respawn!” over and over. And so begins the pattern that will continue the rest of the game. A never-ending cycle of attempting to get the laser, acquiring the laser, but not being able to do anything with the laser. Hey Asinine Weapon Caller, you have two obvious choices that I see. Learn how to use the fucking laser or QUIT PICKING IT UP. I vote for the second.
Posted by MrFibbi on June 30, 2008 at 3:46 am
wow. BTW- whats an asinine?
Posted by AusQB on June 30, 2008 at 4:07 am
Stop, stop! This guy is giving me a headache just thinking about him.
I am fortunate enough not to get matched up with pre-adolescent Americans (no offense to the ninety-odd percent of HM readers) too often, unless I get so desperate that I remove the “Prefer good connection” filter. There’s no denying that the majority of AWC’s fall under this demographic.
The player that bugs me the most (and I hope I’m not spoiling a future installment of HPTBTSOOM) are the ones who command the other players in the pre-game, with all their high-pitched wailing authority, to veto the current map and gametype. Either he will scream “VETO!” over and over again until the time counts down, or he will make empty threats involving your face and his ass if you don’t conform to his orders.
Even worse are the ones who think majority means all, and so believe that a successful veto requires everyone to press X. Honestly, I’ve even come across people who sincerely yelled out “veto” for the second map and gametype.
…
What were we talking about again? Oh right, damn weapon callers. I’ve had losers betray me because I picked up a weapon they wanted. If someone was actually halfway decent at using said weapon, I would surely give it to them if they asked nicely. Even if they could go on a rampage with that weapon, I wouldn’t give it to them if they weren’t friendly about it.
Posted by mendicantbias00 on June 30, 2008 at 4:58 am
You are not alone AusQB, I too have been betrayed for picking up a power weapon. Once, on The Pit, I passed on a shotgun b/c another player asked to have it and instead I went for the rockets. I had managed to kill two members of the opposing team who were also running and gunning for said rockets, and picked up the hulking sPNKR only to get shotgunned/melee’d so that the person who wanted shotgun could also have the rockets.
(>_<)
He was promptly sniped by the opposing team while heading for active camo shortly after.
Posted by Ray on June 30, 2008 at 5:06 am
I like to think that I am somewhat of a cross between the “I Spawned Closest And I Am Fairly Decent With It So I Will Pick It Up For This Round” player and the “I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off” players…
@AusQB: I sometimes ask others to veto, but only after giving an explination why, and if they say no I drop it. Occasionally, I ask people to veto on the second map, but you can clearly hear the joking tone in my voice.
@mendicantbias00: We’ve had our fair share of that moron… I only boot them if they had two or three other people on the same Xbox, but on the other team, lol.
Good article! =D
-Ray
Posted by Butcher of Mjat on June 30, 2008 at 6:16 am
Mr. Fibbi – Asinine means “ass-like”.
I can’t stand it when people grab weapons, and then don’t do anything effective with them. I’ve been betrayed a couple of times by teammates who wanted the rocket launcher, which they then threw away by firing the rockets off in no particular direction. Dude, just ask for it! Then try firing it at the enemy.
Posted by Jonathan B. on June 30, 2008 at 6:28 am
Usually I play team games with my clan only, so this is no longer a problem for me. Kids shouldn’t be playing Halo 3 online anyway… they’re not technically old enough. And I love telling them that. And I love pissing them off. :)
Posted by Cozmo23 on June 30, 2008 at 6:33 am
Cozmo23 = Asinine Banshee Caller :)
Posted by setters on June 30, 2008 at 9:55 am
woah – are we all feeling a bit tetchy today?? perhaps it’s time to move away from matchmaking slowly & have a little real world time….
oh no, I forgot you can’t mute anyone in the real world or boot them!!
Posted by ashame on June 30, 2008 at 10:50 am
The biggest part of the ‘community’ spoils it for the rest I suppose. I’m not a real online Halo fan and these type of stories will keep me away from it even more.
Posted by bs angel on June 30, 2008 at 11:03 am
Ashame, while I may rant and rave on a semi-frequent basis about these sorts of things, it’s in a good natured manner and all in fun. Nothing I bitch about is a deal breaker for playing online. If that would have been the case, I would have quit Live long ago. Play in full parties of people from your friends list, and utilize the heck out of that mute button.
These silly articles are more for people to read them and have that, “I totally played with someone like that the other day!” sort of moments. :)
Posted by mendicantbias00 on June 30, 2008 at 11:25 am
Oh yeah ashame, make sure to take these stories with a grain of salt. It doesnt matter where you go, in real life or on the internet, and you cant stay away from them all. =)
If you play with ppl like those in the last HMB Game night, youll have a good time (especially if you like having your ass handed to you!) lol ;)
Posted by ashame on June 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I know but these kinda people just annoy the hell outta me. Anyway, my 360 not getting much love after my 3rd RRoD :|
Posted by mendicantbias00 on June 30, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Me too buddy, thats when you hide for 5 seconds and “Mute or Boot”.
Unless you are angel, then apparently you just stick them. :)
You should play with us sometime, it will be fun!
Posted by setters on June 30, 2008 at 5:18 pm
yep – play with them & hand them their arses 0n a plate :)
Posted by Crazyeye0 on June 30, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I admit to sort of doing this before, however rather than screaming down the mic I ask politley for the laser, or just go to the laser, see it’s already been picked up and just think “Oh well, maybe when it respawns” and just kind of walk off. It’s lucky that I’m hardly ever betrayed on purpouse aswell, but on the rare occasion I get betrayed, then, I’ll get angry >=(
Posted by Crazyeye0 on June 30, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Oh, just to add, I don’t ask for weapons I’m crap with either, that’s just stupid =/
Posted by bs angel on July 1, 2008 at 12:56 am
This doesn’t sound like it fits you at all then Crazyeye0. :)
Posted by Sarge Tomzilla on July 1, 2008 at 8:43 am
Heh, usually the first words out of my mouth if I pick up, say, a sniper rifle or spartan laser, are “Hey, um, anyone want the sniper rifle or spartan laser? I’m crap with these, but I just killed the guy using them.” Now, with the sword…..that’s a completely different story :P
Posted by Crazyeye0 on July 1, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Indeed it dosn’t, which is a very good thing.