HPTBTSOOM: The Asinine Weapon Caller

HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.

Matchmaking is searching for the perfect match for your party. An opposing team gets locked in, and you impatiently wait to find out what you will be playing next. A map pops up that happens to have a Spartan Laser on it and a shrill voice suddenly shrieks, “I want the laser!” Yup, welcome to yet another game with The Asinine Weapon Caller.

The Asinine Weapon Caller is not the person who spawns closest to the power weapon and kindly lets his team know that he is going to pick it up. That person is referred to as The I Spawned Closest And I Am Fairly Decent With It So I Will Pick It Up For This Round Team Player. The Asinine Weapon Caller is also not the person who is so unbelievably skilled with it that having it in his hands guarantees certain victory. That Person has earned his name of The I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off Player. The Asinine Weapon Caller is the pompous asshole that calls a power weapon before the game even starts yet can’t do a damn thing with it.

The game has not loaded but The Asinine Weapon Caller has made it clear that he wants the laser. Of course when the game actually starts he spawns farthest from it. Of course he repeatedly shouts for nobody else to touch it. Of course everybody actually listens, just to get the ear-piercing yelps to stop for two blissful seconds. So The Asinine Weapon Caller slowly makes his way to the Spartan Laser. By the time he gets it, the other team has a multitude of vehicles on the ground and in the air. He shoots at the banshee. He misses. He shoots at the warthog. He misses. He shoots at the mongoose. Guess what? He misses. Then he gets splattered, of course without a single kill to his name. The shrieking returns to the airwaves for ten incredibly long seconds with The Asinine Weapon Caller desperately yelling, “Don’t pick up the laser! I’ll get it when I respawn!” over and over. And so begins the pattern that will continue the rest of the game. A never-ending cycle of attempting to get the laser, acquiring the laser, but not being able to do anything with the laser. Hey Asinine Weapon Caller, you have two obvious choices that I see. Learn how to use the fucking laser or QUIT PICKING IT UP. I vote for the second.