Hawty McBloggy Invites You to Play

After faithfully powering up my beautiful pink laptop every morning, I always spend a few minutes scanning the top news stories on CNN.com, my trusty and informative homepage. Rarely do I find video game news in their headlines so imagine my delight upon seeing the title “Rights of a Husband Gamer” featured front and center on their main page. Of course I hit the link and immediately devoured its content. The article was exactly what it sounded like, a case of a husband seeking the basic rights each and every gamer should be entitled to. No wonder this was on the front page. The atrocity of the situation is simply beyond anything we can imagine.

From iReport.com :

Please read and support our cause.
http://www.PetitionOnline.com/GGNPET/

This petition is born from members of the Great Gamers Network, (http://www.greatgamers.net/) and represents the will and dedication of it’s members for the gaming rights of one another. In particular, it pertains directly to the issue of a member (GamerTag: TheSven), who is being robbed of his rightful privileges as a human being to take enjoyment in the playing of a game called “Grand Theft Auto IV” . On the date of April 29th, 2008, it has been reported and confirmed that the woman Steve has chosen to be joined with in marriage has deprived him the opportunity to purchase, let alone play GTA4 in their beloved household. After some investigation, it seems as though the problem lies solely in the presence of strip clubs and prostitutes in-game. It was at this point in time that Steve so selflessly offered to omit and ignore the presence of all prostitutes, strip clubs, and all other sexually graphic or suggestive content, however, his wife continues to adamantly refuse his requests. We, as typical human beings, believe in the values of hope and forgiveness, and the general trust that people are innocent until, some way or another, they are proven guilty. And so, this petition has been formed by gamers, and presented to the general public to decide whether or not they see it fit for their signature.

By signing this petition, you are stating that your opinion matches those of Steve’s friends’. You are making the statement that Steve, if operating the game in the manner that has been detailed above (and Steve himself has agreed to), should no longer be deprived by his wife of the great joy and entertainment he would experience by playing GTA4 innocently online with his friends, over Xbox LIVE, and may even go so far as to suggest that his wife may redeem herself by buying the game for him, and presenting it to him as a gift in return that Steve might forgive her for being so thoughtless.

Sincerely,
Great Gamers Network
www.greatgamers.net

I am a caring and thoughtful person, thus I have decided to give advice to both the husband and the wife in an effort to assist them in reaching an acceptable compromise. Their marriage may be at stake. They need all the help they can get.

To TheSven (aka the dude whose microscopic testicles reside faithfully in a jar) :
Keeping peace is very important in a loving marriage, especially when you are in a relationship where all the decisions are made by one person and that one person happens to not be you. I understand your need to constantly make sacrifices in order to continue having sex. (Let me take a second to say I hope you are actually getting some. It is my understanding that pussy whipped people usually get pussy. If you are not acquiring the previously mentioned fringe benefits, please accept my condolences.)

There reaches a time in your life that you must cut the cord, grow a pair, and learn to make decisions by yourself. Some decisions require consultation, absolutely. A $60 decision about a trivial video game is not one of those. I strongly recommend you gather as much testicular fortitude as you can muster, adamantly march yourself right down to the game store, and buy that highly anticipated title you so desire. Imagine how good you will feel, how proud of yourself you will be, and just how massive your balls will feel in your snug jeans. Oh yes, a satisfying feeling indeed.

After acquiring the game, you can take it home and hide it in the depths of your closet until your wife leaves the house. Then when it is safe to pull it out, you can sneak in some game time and pray to the GTA gods that you don’t get busted. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to actually fess up that you got the game, there is only so much growing you can do in one day. Baby steps, dear TheSven, baby steps. If you continue along this path I have shown you, perhaps you will be able to buy GTA VIII without first asking the old ball and chain. If that is too lofty of a goal, shoot for Viva Pinata IV instead.

To TheSven’s Wife (aka the keeper of the jar) :
How lucky TheSven is to have you as his loving wife and his dedicated, attentive guardian. Clearly he is not capable of making responsible decisions on his own, otherwise he would not be wasting his spare time on something as worthless as video games, much less despicable ones with violent and degrading themes like Grand Theft Auto IV.

Can you imagine if he got his hands on that game and actually played it? I bet within a matter of minutes he would become a regular at the local strip club, begin having frequent sex with more hookers than either of you could keep up with, and then promptly forget you even existed. Sometimes the power of suggestion is all it takes to get males to give in to their secret desires. Taking the risk of allowing him to play that game is simply not worth it, not when the future of your marriage is so clearly on the line.

I strongly recommend you shorten his already tight leash as he has proven, just by expressing the desire to own this game, that he is not worthy of any freedom whatsoever. His next step is undoubtedly some horrific crime spree that somehow involves mistreating women. Whenever you are feeling unsure about your course of action, take solace in the fact that he would thank you if he knew what you were stopping him from doing. You may want to look into getting an invisible dog fence around your property as well. I heard those work wonders.

*Please note this article was written in the same spirit the petition more than likely was, all in good fun. I never realized I was so good at this advice thing though! I really should start charging people.