Hawty McBloggy Invites You to Play

*My vacation continues and today finds me still out of town. As I spend my morning with the wild animals at the zoo and my evening with the wild animals I call my friends at a local Italian restaurant, I would like to offer you a reposting of an article that was originally written six months ago. While the words may not be new, the sentiments are still very much relevant. Enjoy!

Last week I finally ventured into the multiplayer aspect of Halo 3. I wanted to finish the campaign by myself before playing co-op or matchmaking in order to avoid any and all spoilers. With the storyline complete and the threat for spoilers finally over, it was time to dip my toes into the unknown waters of matchmaking.

Imagine my delight upon discovering the “social” playlists (social skirmish, social slayer, and social doubles) that inhabit the matchmaking lands of Halo 3. Finally, playlists made just for recreational players such as myself! I envisioned games full of friendly players and light-hearted banter. I envisioned games where everybody enjoyed themselves and enjoyed the company of their peers. I envisioned games full of mature players looking for a positive “social” experience on Halo 3. How wonderful!

It was also slightly unrealistic. And by slightly unrealistic I mean I must have had my head up my ass when I thought that. In a single night, I was called a racial slur no less than three times. I heard sexist comments more times than I could count. Trashtalking was the norm all night long. Oh yes, this was still the same old Halo, despite the misleading names of the “social” playlists.

Definitions of social :

• marked by friendly companionship with others (WordReference.com)

• marked by or passed in pleasant companionship with one’s friends or associates (Merriam-Webster)

• of, pertaining to, connected with, or suited to polite or fashionable society (Dictionary.com)

Evidently the definitions that I know of the word “social” are not the same definitions the general population of Halo 3 know. Thus, I present to you The Noob’s Guide to Being Social.

Can I call everybody in the room an offensive racially charged slur before the game starts?
Addressing everybody with an insult before starting the game does not create a positive playing environment. If you do this everybody will see you as the enemy, even if they are on your team. You are likely to be singled out often and betrayed frequently. I recommend you ditch the slur and instead say a simple, “What’s up?” in a friendly tone. You’ll find people respond a lot better to that for some reason.

Can I repeatedly shout that I want the sniper rifle right before the game starts, then betray the person in front of me who is also going for it?
When people are wearing microphones and have an earpiece directly in their ear, shouting anything repeatedly is not necessary. If someone else is going for the same weapon you are, betraying them is not the best option either. That tends to upset most people and cause them to focus on killing you instead of actually playing. You probably won’t get much sniping done from your constant respawn screen. I recommend a statement such as, “I’m near the sniper so I am going to pick it up. If someone else wants to snipe next round, just let me know.” That shows your intent for your favorite weapon along with telling everybody you don’t mind sharing as well. That typically goes over a little bit better than an assassination on a teammate for whatever reason.

My teammates suck balls and I need to tell them this. Can I say it in those words or should I use a more broad statement like telling them they suck at life?
Critiquing a teammate’s performance is never recommended. Judging someone else gives the impression that you are better than them. Nobody is perfect, even yourself. If someone is struggling, offering to back them up is more effective than insulting them. You will find people respond a lot better to offers of assistance rather than phrases like “you suck balls”.

Speaking of sucking balls, I love teabagging. I teabag teammates, opponents, your mom, absolutely anybody who crosses my path. That’s ok, right?
Contrary to popular belief, being on the end of a virtual teabagging is not an experience many people are fond of. You may enjoy it, especially with the new game physics that make the dead bodies respond to the humping, but you will find that when the victim respawns they typically will come right back for you. And if you are really into it and still despositing your junk into their orifices, they sometimes can make it back to you and assassinate you while you are obliviously completing your business. Uh oh, now they are teabagging you. Do you enjoy watching them deliver their package to your face? I didn’t think so. Remember the golden rule, do unto others as you want them to do unto you. Or in this case, don’t do unto others as you don’t want them to do unto you.

The other team was horrible even though they beat us. I would like to recommend that they break their Halo 3 discs and buy a Wii instead. How should I phrase that?
I’m not sure there is a nice way to phrase a sentiment like that. Perhaps instead a simple recognition of a good game played would be the best option. Something basic like “good game” shows that you can lose with dignity while acknowledging the effort put forth by the opposing team. While telling someone to break their disc because they suck so bad usually ends up in a confrontation, telling someone “good game” typically results in hearing a “good game” back. Weird how that works, huh?

Normally I am a nice person but sometimes I just love being an ass since I have a microphone, an audience, and the anonymity of a gamertag (I work hard to prove John Gabrie’s theory correct). Pretty awesome, huh?
Not so much. You will find that some people whom frequent Xbox Live and also have the same three things that you just listed still manage to act like mature adults. Some people value their character and behave the same way online as they do in real life, which is with honor and respect. Now that is pretty awesome. You are not.