The intended audience of this article is for adults. The content is mature and some of the language is slightly graphic.
My poor husband is so deprived in the “getting some” department. At least that is what he would like you to think. I blame the majority of it on the typical can’t-get-enough male attitude. Ever since I told him of the survey that found that female gamers have more sex than non gaming females, he has been especially obsessed with attaining his 4.3 episodes a week. I have managed to up my average a bit by tweaking the point value of certain things. Any time he thinks of me in the shower while taking care of business, I score .3 points. I can pretty much reach my weekly quota from that alone without even lifting a finger. I also count any form of oral sex as .5 points, so I can quickly knock off 2 points in one session if I work it correctly. See how smooth I am?
If you are a male and can relate, I thought I would share my thoughts on how to increase the amount of action you are getting. Please note this is geared towards gamers so your significant other has to share your passion for all things gaming. Gamers seem to possess the required quality of competitiveness to make this work.
One evening as my husband was doing his usual attempts to score, he came off as exceptionally pathetic. Sometimes he acts like he hasn’t gotten any in years. Poor guy. Here’s a tissue. Anyways, I began to think of different things he could do that would up his chances of getting some. My brain doesn’t quite work like other females. I didn’t start thinking of roses and expensive dinners. Trips to the spa or him doing chores never entered my mind. Instead I thought of achievements.
I love the achievements system on the Xbox 360. I am adequately addicted to it and love when that little box pops up. 100 points for finishing that last level? Hell yeah! 10 points for buying a few things in the Guitar Hero shop? Rock on! 25 points for winning 40 online games? Sweet! I love those numbers for some reason. There is nothing better than watching your gamerscore slowly make its ascent.
I got the idea that if I received achievements for the bedroom, I would be much more likely to perform on a more frequent basis. Bedroom activities are already extremely satisfying, there is no doubt about it. But can you imagine finishing a particularly strenuous episode and all the sudden having a box pop up giving you 50 points?! That would be so awesome.
Here is my proposal for the point system for bedroom activities.
- hand job – 10 points
- hand job to completion – 20 points
- oral sex – 20 points
- oral sex to completion – 40 points
- standard sex – 25 points
- standard sex in a variant position – 35 points
- thinking of the person you are having relations with while having the relations – 15 points
- penetration lasting 0-5 minutes – 10 points
- penetration lasting 5-15 minutes – 25 points
- penetration lasting 15-30 minutes – 50 points
- penetration lasting 30+ minutes – negative points (dude, be reasonable, I have games to play)
- talking dirty – 20 points
- getting dirty – 40 points
- cuddling afterwards - 5 points
- gaming afterwards – 25 points
- gaming in between – 50 points
- gaming during – priceless
It would be kinda cool to have certain prizes at various milestones. Like a new video game when you reach 500 points. Or permission to spend $150 at the local gaming store when you attain 1,000 points. However simply watching your score climb without a reward system is appealing enough.I can’t even image how many points I would have if this system was in place when I got married. I am sure my husband has some sort of smart ass remark to that comment, like he could count all my points on one hand or something but we all know that isn’t true. So whatever.
Have you seen those clocks and other gadgets that can hover images in the air? If you can somehow invent one of those things for this achievement system so they are automatically displayed, I will give you infinite points to add to your collection.
Now go get yourself some. You can thank me later.
(love ya babe)
Posted by XxURDONExX on July 20, 2007 at 3:39 am
no comment
Posted by themoviereport on July 20, 2007 at 5:26 am
What if u are single? :(
Posted by Stuicide on July 20, 2007 at 6:19 am
Haha, that’s what your m…..
No that won’t work…
Interesting article. I think if we download the achievement MP3 noise along with one of those sport tickers, we could automate it…
How about a projector that projects the achievement symbol on the wall along with the sound?
Posted by Excardon on July 20, 2007 at 6:25 am
All achievements unlocked. Go me.
On a side note, you forgot an acheivement for the more hardcore “gamer”. XD
(If it hasn’t already… this discussion has now received a A/O rating)
I can see your husband say, “Sorry, I reset the stats last night. You need to start over.”
Posted by Burritoh on July 20, 2007 at 7:19 am
Alrighty then.
Posted by Gil on July 20, 2007 at 7:41 am
I absolutely love your thought process. I only wished that the lady of my house was more open to these things. She’s a gamer and all but hmm, well… when it comes to sex, there’s way too many rules. Even more than most video games out there. >.<
Posted by engtech on July 20, 2007 at 9:06 am
This is the awesome.
Posted by Locke on July 20, 2007 at 9:44 am
What a fun writeup!
My gamerscore is about to get a serious point boost.
Posted by L askan on July 20, 2007 at 9:49 am
Oh wow, that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Your gamerpoint breakdown would be posted on my bulletin board if I wasn’t positive it’d get me fired.
Posted by TTL Dren on July 20, 2007 at 10:20 am
What no achievement score for scoring with your Mom? Okay I will send you a picture of the one I earned last night. :-P
Another great article. I am now off to find a gamer girlfriend to unlock some, no all of these. ;-)
Dren
Posted by bs angel on July 20, 2007 at 10:32 am
I am glad some of you are enjoying this article. LOL … I thought of the idea and it was just too entertaining to pass up, regardless of how inappropriate the topic was.
I could have made that achievement list much worse than what I did, but I wanted to keep it somewhat tame and not too graphic. You can always add on your favorites to your own personal achievement list, lol …
Posted by Alex on July 20, 2007 at 10:36 am
My b/f fwd this article to me. I think it was a hint. Can’t wait to up my score!
Posted by LousyNixon on July 20, 2007 at 10:39 am
My girlfriend enjoyed it the most but cuddling should be more points, don’t you think?
Posted by Louis Wu on July 20, 2007 at 10:56 am
Awesome article. I can’t touch it for HBO – but I’m glad I read it. :)
Posted by KP on July 20, 2007 at 10:56 am
Oh my god.
Posted by bs angel on July 20, 2007 at 11:50 am
@LousyNixon
Not in my opinion. LOL … The low point score for the cuddling is to deter it and encourage you to head into the gaming afterwards instead, which nets you way more points.
Posted by Stuicide on July 20, 2007 at 12:31 pm
+10 points for turning down an encore.
Posted by Fezzer on July 20, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Holy crap, angel! That is hilarious. I gotta get my wife to read it.
Achievements FTW!
Posted by tornado on July 20, 2007 at 12:50 pm
amazing article angel!!
i’ll have to give this a try tonight. oh wait… i gotta go out for dinner with some dumb friends. :(
you can bet i’ll put this into practice when i get a chance!
Posted by Kylie on July 20, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Angel that is freaking amazing….
Leanna is getting a points system…
Posted by Quantifier on July 20, 2007 at 3:41 pm
fun stuff angel!
I would have thought higher points for shorter duration (since this is from a gamers perspective). But then again, sex can be a game, as you have shown ;-)
Posted by TTL zeuz patter on July 20, 2007 at 4:49 pm
SO what do we do if we`re single? I guess a couple of those woukld work, specially the gaming after…. see ya tonight everybody! Haha
Posted by Burritoh on July 20, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Zeuz:
Once again, too many Multiplayer Achievements…
Posted by Doowutchyalike on July 21, 2007 at 8:41 am
Hey babe, so I was thinking, since we each have our own achievements that means we have to work double time to get both our scores up right?
Posted by sara on July 23, 2007 at 10:56 pm
(earmuffs)
Posted by brainwreckedtech on July 24, 2007 at 3:00 am
Possible revision?
Penetration Lasting 30+ Minutes – 0 points.
You seem to have trouble getting out of holes, don’t you?
Posted by bs angel on July 24, 2007 at 4:05 pm
LOL … Apparently so.
Posted by Arlen on July 27, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Kind of funny…. but kind of sad that it takes points for you to want to have sex with your husband 4 out of 7 days a week…
Posted by bs angel on July 27, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I’ll let you in on a little secret Arlen. This article was a joke. Don’t tell anybody.
Ssshhh …
Posted by Silvercube on July 27, 2007 at 3:35 pm
lol, i loved KP’s and sara’s comments…
hmm this is my first time reading this article…
so completely unkosher, but since you wrote it, you get +150 for “raising the bar” lol.
you are one funny angel.
(i think im the only virgin over here..) XD
Do i get + 100 for keepin it kosher till i get married?
Posted by Girlwolfie on July 30, 2007 at 3:47 pm
OMG, I just read this…I can’t wait to show it to my husband, he will find it hilarious. Guess I’ve had some “priceless” experiences…..
Posted by Jenna on July 30, 2007 at 6:39 pm
what about an achivement for having dirty as your gamertag?? I think that should be 1000…oh wait I have achieved priceless lol!
Posted by Venus on August 15, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I love this! bahahahaha!
Posted by SeaChelle on September 7, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Angel-
Red and I just read this… so funny. Seriously, the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. You should add more too it though!
Posted by Bertnell on October 29, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Ok your mad silly but I still need to find a gamer lady to do this with anyway what about the S&M achievmeint ???? That should be worth 100 points LOL Anyway what we need here is a dating site for gamers!! Wheres that at????
Posted by bs angel on October 29, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I believe the majority of males call it “Xbox Live”. :)
Posted by Canvas Grey on October 31, 2007 at 8:56 am
You’ve SAVED my marriage!!!! Thank you soooo much!
Posted by bs angel on October 31, 2007 at 9:31 am
LOL … Now if someone would just invent the device to make the achievements pop up in mid air. :)
Posted by Waffle Deluxe on February 21, 2009 at 3:48 pm
For everything else there is Masturbate… I mean card… Mastercard.